Turning it "On" & "Off"
Why Maintaining Boundaries is Essential for Soul Care
"Setting boundaries is an act of self-care. It’s not about controlling others; it’s about honoring your needs and limits."
— Nedra Glover Tawwab, Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself
Last year I was on a plane with my family coming back from a trip. As a family of four, we didn’t all fit in one row and one seat was a few rows up. My husband suggested he sit with the kids and I sit by myself. I jumped at the chance to have four hours of quiet time alone!
I plopped down in the aisle seat with my kindle and looked forward to the spa-like serenity awaiting me. Then I noticed the woman next to me was crying. My heart hurt for her. My instinct was to tell her what I do for a living and offer to sit with her sacred tears. Years earlier, I would have done just that. But I have learned to conserve my emotional energy. I need it for work, my family, my friends – I can’t always dole it out to strangers. Plus I had this precious gift of alone time that I didn’t want to give up!
I was conflicted about whether I should care for her. After pretending to read while really sussing out the situation – I deduced the man in the window seat was the crying woman’s husband. And they started quietly talking. Realizing she was not alone, helped me to not intervene. She had a support system; I did not have to take on that (temporary) role.
Over the years, I have had many conversations with plane seatmates who told me their whole life story. Sometimes they didn’t even know my profession. I’m just good at listening. But because I’m good at listening does not mean I have to do it all the time.
Part of caring for ourselves is learning how to go “off duty” so we are not depleting ourselves. This is especially hard (and extra necessary) for those of us who care-give in our personal lives as well as our professional ones.
I used to live in NYC in the days before Uber, when taxis were the only alternative to public transit. If the light was on, the cab was working and available, if it was off – the cab was off duty. I think many of us are used to walking around with our “lights on.” We have thoughtful, listening faces and invisible signs over our heads inviting people to tell us things. I’m suggesting that sometimes it’s okay to turn that light off when not in use and engage in RBF instead.
This concept might feel harsh if we are prone to putting others first. Or if we have self-care averse mindsets that we need to rewire. But making ourselves less available is an important strategy to employ if we want to care for others for the long haul. It is not sustainable to care for everyone in our orbit at any given time. It sets us up for failure.
Still not convinced? Let Brene Brown’s words sink in:
"The point of having boundaries isn't so we can push people away. It's so we can love them and be present for them in a way that is sustainable over time. In caregiving, this is especially important, because burnout not only harms the caregiver but also diminishes the quality of care."
— Brené Brown, Daring Greatly
Brene’s words are often rattling around in my brain and were front of mind when educating one of my students.
Dana was in her second career, finding chaplaincy after running a community center. When the government funds ran out, she ran to seminary to find meaning and a different way to help people. She was a natural with patients and families. She had a deep heart and people were drawn to her. One day she missed her 1:1 meeting with me. Dana was a conscientious student, so this was surprising. I later got a rambling voicemail from her.
“I’m so sorry that I missed our meeting. I was at the grocery store and someone looked lost and when I asked what they were looking for, they needed cleaning supplies. I took them to that aisle and then they told me how their brother was a hoarder and they were trying to help them clean out their house. They were really overwhelmed and didn’t know what to do, so I started googling deep cleaning companies to help them. They thought it might be out of their price range, but then I found out that her brother had been in the army and I looked into some funds for veterans. She was so appreciative and we spent a lot of time talking. And then after I walked her to her car, I realized I never got my own groceries and then after I did that I looked at the time and remembered our meeting.”
Dana’s tenderness pulled her toward this person, which in some ways is lovely. But the larger problem comes when Dana’s energy is completely spent and she misses her own life. In this case she missed a requirement of her educational program and she (admitted to me later) still forgot half the groceries for her family. Setting boundaries and making ourselves unavailable can help preserve our mental/emotional/spiritual energy for those who need it the most. It ensures that we have enough water in the well to draw from when we need to, instead of dipping into it constantly without thinking.
Some of us might need some tools for how to turn the empathy on (read below):
And some of us need some tools for how to turn the empathy off!
Some Tools to Help You Turn it Off
Remember Your Role
What is your context? If not at work or family or other caregiving role, it is helpful to remember whose job it is to be the one caring/taking the lead. In the case of Dana, it was nice that she helped the woman find the cleaning aisle, but that’s part of the job description of the grocery store employee. In my example on the airplane, the caregiving job was that of the woman’s husband. Sometimes I need to remind myself “I’m not on payroll. I am not the chaplain here.”
Think About Your Spoons
You may have heard about “spoon theory.” It is a metaphor to explain the limited energy and resources people have to complete daily tasks, particularly those with chronic illnesses or disabilities. It was created by Christine Miserandino to describe how managing daily activities requires energy, represented by "spoons." Each task—like getting out of bed, showering, or working—requires a certain number of spoons. Once they're used up, the person has no more energy for the day. The theory helps others understand the invisible challenges faced by those with chronic conditions.
I think this is a helpful way to understand what people with chronic pain may be experiencing. And the same concept can apply to all of us when we think about how much emotional energy we have for the day. How many spoons are you starting with? And where are you giving your spoons away?
Ritualize Turning it Off
My students comment on how difficult it is to leave work at the end of the day and not think about their patients or talk to everyone like they are their spiritual caregiver. You may want to develop a ritual that you do when you leave work. Developing a small act at the end of the day may help you to transition into a different mindset.
In the past I’ve worn bracelets that I only wear at work and then leave in my car when I leave the hospital. Some people like to change clothes or shower immediately when they get home (and actually many of us changed our clothes in the hospital parking lot during Covid!) Others I’ve known will say a prayer, do a short meditation or listen to music to help them demarcate the end of their shift and release their mindset. Or a good cry in the car, which I’ve told you about before.
"Healthy boundaries are not walls. They are the gates and fences that allow you to enjoy the beauty of your own garden."
— Nedra Glover Tawwab
A Transition Meditation to help “Turn it Off”
Settle Your Breath: Close your eyes and take a few deep breaths, inhaling through your nose and exhaling through your mouth. Feel the tension release with each exhale, letting go of the day’s burdens.
Ground Yourself in the Present: As you continue to breathe deeply, bring your awareness to the present moment. Feel the ground beneath you, the support it offers. Imagine roots extending from your body into the earth, anchoring you and drawing up calming, nourishing energy.
Release the Day’s Responsibilities: Visualize yourself gently placing all the tasks, responsibilities, and concerns you’ve carried today into a basket. See this basket in front of you, full of the energies of caregiving. Take a moment to acknowledge the effort you’ve put in, then imagine yourself setting the basket aside. It’s not gone, just resting for now.
Invite in Self-Care: Now, with your hands open, imagine inviting in warmth, light, and compassion just for you. See it as a gentle, golden light that fills you from your toes to your head, soothing and restoring you. As this light spreads, feel it washing away any residual tension, stress or fatigue.
Affirm Your Needs: Silently or aloud, repeat any of these affirmations or create one that resonates for you:
"I have given my best today, and it is enough."
"I release the need to care for others in this moment and turn my care inward."
"I deserve rest, rejuvenation and peace."
Embrace Your Time: Visualize a soft boundary forming around you, a gentle barrier that keeps outside demands at bay. Within this space, you are free to focus solely on your own well-being. This is your time, your space, to replenish and restore.
Breathe in Renewal: Take a few more deep breaths. With each inhale, draw in energy and peace. With each exhale, release any lingering tension. Feel your body and mind lighten, becoming more centered in your own needs.
Slowly Return: When you’re ready, begin to wiggle your fingers and toes, gently bringing your awareness back to your surroundings. Know that you can return to this state of self-care whenever you need it. Open your eyes and carry this sense of peace with you as you move forward into your evening or rest.
Final Moment of Gratitude: Take a final moment to thank yourself for the care you give to others and for allowing yourself this time to recharge. You are worthy of the same compassion you offer to those around you.
Christine, this was so wonderful and a much needed reminder. I love the taxi metaphor and also remembering the context in which I am showing up. I bet it would help to remember that if I am not in my office then I am not in my therapy role 🤣 love the suggestion for turning off, particularly the ritual suggestion. Thank you for this wonderful post! 😍
I listened to your post and allowed my light to be switched "off" for a moment. Thank you for this inhale, and for the beautiful Brene quote.
I love the spoons concept- I will hold onto this for when I need to learn on it!