Double the Joy

A Strategy for Spiritual Self Care

I frequently get asked how I do this work, as it can be hard to witness suffering day in and day out. There is great beauty and privilege in getting to journey alongside people, so that is what keeps me engaged in doing it. But I have also learned a lot about self-care over the years. I will be giving you some “Spiritual Self-Care Strategies” in the coming weeks.

One mindset that helps me is the idea of Doubling the Joy! Since hospital chaplains are exposed to more sadness than the average person, I teach my students that we need to seek out equally more joy. Even if it feels forced or corny, we need to balance out the hard things with the joyous ones.

There is a cliched scene in many tv hospital dramas (ie. ER, Chicago Hope, Grey’s Anatomy), when a young doctor has a difficult case. Someone takes them to the nursery to gaze upon the newborns to cheer them up.¹ They tell the overwhelmed doctor “This is my secret, I come up here whenever I need to be reminded of how to be happy.”

This is what doubling the joy means: intentionally seeking out moments you know will reliably spark joy in your soul. 

What can you do to remind yourself of joy? 

Photo by Tim Mossholder on Unsplash

When I was doing my chaplaincy residency, I made a simple rule for myself: the only movies I would watch would be silly comedies, no dramatic movies were allowed. The somber scenes I saw day in and day out in the hospital were more than enough for me. I’ve been able to widen my entertainment rules since then, but still avoid anything with violence or horror.

Similarly, during the beginning of Covid, I became careful about what I read. Each year, I gobble up lots of novels. But as the pandemic raged and I saw the atrocities firsthand, I needed something that was a guaranteed happy ending. I discovered romance novels! Not the Fabio-covered bodice rippers, but a whole genre of predictable romantic comedy story lines. Which worked perfectly for me in that time when I needed more happiness and less tragedy. (Email me for a list of recommended rom-com reading.)

A physician friend counter-balanced suffering by taking up tap dancing. She had danced as a child but her parents only allowed ballet; tap was “too frivolous.” After spending her days in the ICU focusing on the sickest of patients, she wanted to engage in frivolity for a change. She told me her teacher insisted on smiling while dancing. This was the opposite of the serious face she wore all day while informing families that their loved ones might not make it out of the hospital. Smiling while dancing worked different physical and emotional muscles. 

A Chaplaincy Educator I knew held a “joke seminar”. The chaplain interns would need to bring in a joke and share it with the rest of their class. The students were surprised by this odd assignment until the teacher explained that laughing was important too. And the rest of the hospital staff needed to know that chaplains don’t always take themselves so seriously and know at least one joke!

It can be difficult to participate in forced societal joy, which is part of what makes grief at the holidays hard for many. To be clear, I am not advocating for ignoring pain. But sometimes we need to take a break from it before we come back to it.

I don’t quote scripture regularly and don’t consider myself an exegetical expert, but I’ve always thought that Psalm 30:5 captures the essence of these practices:“Weeping may linger for the night, but joy comes with the morning.”

I’ve seen this verse taken out of context to encourage someone to move past their pain too quickly, so I use it here gingerly. But there’s something to acknowledging the joy. The Psalmist could have even added a line so it reads, “Weeping may linger for the night, but joy comes with the morning, and then weeping comes again in the afternoon and rinse and repeat.” The joy does not cancel out the weeping, but it helps to counterbalance it. There can be moments of levity even in the hardest hour.

The Psalm reminds me of William Blake’s interweaving of joy and woe in his poem “Auguries of Innocence.” He holds up this paradox in the following lines:

What does it mean that we were created for joy? (As well as woe?)

How is your soul divinely clothed?

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Joy does not always come naturally; we must be intentional about seeking it out. And even more so if we are looking for a double portion of it.

Theologian Henri J.M Nouwen (who one day will get his own appreciation post here) writes of this sentiment,

“Joy does not simply happen to us. We have to choose joy and keep choosing it every day.”

Embracing joy is a mindset. We need to be active cultivators of joy.

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If you are like me and need some help in bolstering joy, what could be better than listening to a nun from the  best musical movie ever made? In The Sound of Music, Maria (played by Dame Julie Andrews) encourages the children in her charge to sing of their favorite things during a thunderstorm.

There is something cathartic to having a list of your favorite things to turn to when the overwhelm hits and you need a nursery viewing moment. If you want to sing it, then all the better!

Maybe schnitzel with noodles isn’t your thing, but I invite you to think about what does bring you joy? If you need inspiration, there are loads of lists on the internet. You can even take a look at Oprah’s list. Some of those items may resonate with you, but I recommend writing out your own “10 Simple, Everyday Things that Bring You Joy List”. Here’s my attempt below. What would yours look like? 

Things that bring me joy:

• That first sip of coffee (and the second and third, really, just coffee)

• The sound of my husband laughing

• Gabbing and kvetching with friends

• Chocolate (of any kind, but especially Cadburys from England)²

• When my kids ask if we can snuggle

• Noticing what is blooming/growing on the farm

• Savasana in yoga class

• Reading my kindle before falling asleep

• A clean kitchen

• When someone comments on a post or subscribes (hint hint)

For those times when the suffering feels overwhelming, remember: joy is an option. 

“We cannot cure the world of sorrows, but we can choose to live in joy” – Joseph Campbell

Choosing to double the joy allows me to continue helping in this world of sorrows. 

What’s on your joy list?

How have you tipped your scales toward joy when circumstances were hard?

What is a joke that always makes you laugh?

Photo by Amy Shamblen on Unsplash

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*** A Bonus: If podcasts bring you joy, here’s one I was a guest on recently.

Thanks to Bonnie and Remi for a rich conversation covering all sorts of topics, including spirituality, grief, preparing for death, how to care for others and simple rituals to connect you to the divine.

1. Today, hospital nurseries are being phased out or under lock and key - so I don’t advise trying to gaze upon newborns. As an aside, here’s more on the history of nurseries and why they are not being used.

2. American Cadbury’s chocolate is not the same, as the dairy and fat content are higher in the British (original) version. Fun fact: my dad and his mother both worked at the Cadbury Factory in England!