Christine, I want to shout this wisdom from the rooftops. The older I get the more I realize that often there is nothing meaningful to speak and our presence is more meaningful in times of trouble when we hush our incessant chatter.
"when we hush our incessant chatter" - what a great line and it's so hard to do. I'm working on a post that delves more fully into the power of silence and may need to quote you!
I do, from time to time, tell people that they can punch the next person that says some of these things and that they can say the hospital chaplain gave them permission.
I also wrote a small book called "This is Hard: What I say when loved ones die" to help with finding words to say. And hear.
Thank you for the excellent reminders ... this is such an important piece. Although I've tried to weed out all of those platitudes, they can sometimes slip out! Augh!
I was on the receiving end of one recently -- from a good friend -- and was surprised at how it caused me to try to fake being "fine" when I wasn't. For a whole long conversation I faked fine-ness. At the end, I felt like a fraud, a really sad fraud.
I want to do my best not to put someone else in that position.
It is not surprising they come out, because they are so deeply rooted in our societal lexicon. I'm sorry that your friend not only missed you, but silenced you and made you feel inauthentic. For what it's worth, I think the faking fine is a natural reaction because it often takes too much pain and energy to call people out on these in the moment.
So wisely said. In a recent sermon, we yelled “boo” to many of these, and it was surprisingly delightful to yell our frustration about these unhelpful platitudes in church.
Oh I wish I could have been in that congregation! How powerful that must have been. Was it recorded? I will totally watch if it's on youtube and shout boo from my couch!
It was. I can’t remember which Sunday. Part of the series on “Giving Up Toxic Christianity for Lent.” You can just yell “boo!” from your couch at random, in solidarity.
These are such wise words about such an important aspect of grief, or rather grieving alongside others. When my sister died, I clung to those who showed up to just sit next to me on the couch. Presence does matter. Thanks so much Christine!
Thank you for sharing about your experience here and what helped you through it. I'm glad you had others show up and grieve alongside you in your pain. Sitting on the couch is so important!
It hit a chord when you said that the reason so many people leave church is because of the lack of authenticity. Not only not receiving it from others, but also feeling like your own authenticity is unwelcome.
Absolutely. Isn't it devastating when a place of hopeful refuge becomes a place of pain and judgement? I'm working on another post about various types of spiritual toxcitiy because sadly these stories are so common.
In my many years of ministry, I learned that presence and accompaniment are the two most important things you do. Talking is down the list a bit. And often it isn’t even necessary.
Thank you for pointing out that words, however well intentioned - perhaps more especially so - always have the capacity to make something worse.
I am grateful that I have learned to avoid these. Unfortunately, some it came in learning the hard way in my CPE internship in seminary...Stories could be told.
I find myself going more and more to the beginning of Job in times like this - not when all the things come upon him but that single line of how his three friends showed up and they simply at with him for 7 days because they saw how great his suffering was.
And then things go off the rails when they start to talk...
Oh I want to hear those hard-won stories of learning (maybe a future post for you?) because there is so much richness in those encounters where we mess up and learn how not to do things.
I too think about Job here and use his friends as examples when teaching this to my CPE students.
Thanks Tom, we do learn a lot by making those mistakes! (In fact I often tell my CPE students that if they could do this perfectly, I would be out of a job!) Thanks fr the good work you do! What's your chaplaincy context?
Christine, this should be printed and handed out to every one who enters a church or visits the family of a terminal patient in hospital. I come from a much more down-to-earth and plain speaking environment than I think is common in my new country in Canada. I am amazed how frequently I hear these platitudes and am grateful that my experience helps me "show up and shut up" when required.
Ah thank you for seeing the value in this post, I believe it's such an important message that does need to be shared with others. If you want, we can turn this the article for you blog to correspond to the podcast episode we recorded.
Yes! That is another example of problematic theology due to what it says about others. It reminds me of a seminary a classmate when talking about an experience where she escaped a traumatic situation and said "God didn't want me to get assaulted that day" as if God wants that to happen to others?! We have to think through how our statements can feel/sound to the others listening.
Christine, I want to shout this wisdom from the rooftops. The older I get the more I realize that often there is nothing meaningful to speak and our presence is more meaningful in times of trouble when we hush our incessant chatter.
"when we hush our incessant chatter" - what a great line and it's so hard to do. I'm working on a post that delves more fully into the power of silence and may need to quote you!
I do, from time to time, tell people that they can punch the next person that says some of these things and that they can say the hospital chaplain gave them permission.
I also wrote a small book called "This is Hard: What I say when loved ones die" to help with finding words to say. And hear.
Thank you.
I love that you give people that permission! And your book sounds so important, I am looking forward to reading it as well as your substack.
Thank you for the excellent reminders ... this is such an important piece. Although I've tried to weed out all of those platitudes, they can sometimes slip out! Augh!
I was on the receiving end of one recently -- from a good friend -- and was surprised at how it caused me to try to fake being "fine" when I wasn't. For a whole long conversation I faked fine-ness. At the end, I felt like a fraud, a really sad fraud.
I want to do my best not to put someone else in that position.
It is not surprising they come out, because they are so deeply rooted in our societal lexicon. I'm sorry that your friend not only missed you, but silenced you and made you feel inauthentic. For what it's worth, I think the faking fine is a natural reaction because it often takes too much pain and energy to call people out on these in the moment.
bad experience...sorry about that
So wisely said. In a recent sermon, we yelled “boo” to many of these, and it was surprisingly delightful to yell our frustration about these unhelpful platitudes in church.
Oh I wish I could have been in that congregation! How powerful that must have been. Was it recorded? I will totally watch if it's on youtube and shout boo from my couch!
It was. I can’t remember which Sunday. Part of the series on “Giving Up Toxic Christianity for Lent.” You can just yell “boo!” from your couch at random, in solidarity.
amazing
These are such wise words about such an important aspect of grief, or rather grieving alongside others. When my sister died, I clung to those who showed up to just sit next to me on the couch. Presence does matter. Thanks so much Christine!
Thank you for sharing about your experience here and what helped you through it. I'm glad you had others show up and grieve alongside you in your pain. Sitting on the couch is so important!
this breaks me dear
It hit a chord when you said that the reason so many people leave church is because of the lack of authenticity. Not only not receiving it from others, but also feeling like your own authenticity is unwelcome.
Absolutely. Isn't it devastating when a place of hopeful refuge becomes a place of pain and judgement? I'm working on another post about various types of spiritual toxcitiy because sadly these stories are so common.
In my many years of ministry, I learned that presence and accompaniment are the two most important things you do. Talking is down the list a bit. And often it isn’t even necessary.
Thank you for pointing out that words, however well intentioned - perhaps more especially so - always have the capacity to make something worse.
I'm so glad you found your way here and for your intimate knowledge of how to do this work!
Likewise!
What a brilliant article, Christine.
I couldn't agree more with what you said.
Sometimes it's better to simply shut up, listen and give someone a hug. That's it.
Thanks, we can be more effective if we keep it simple!
Oh wow friend. Absolutely love what you're saying here and could not agree more.
Thanks for reading. It's common sense, but so hard to get others to follow along.
I am grateful that I have learned to avoid these. Unfortunately, some it came in learning the hard way in my CPE internship in seminary...Stories could be told.
I find myself going more and more to the beginning of Job in times like this - not when all the things come upon him but that single line of how his three friends showed up and they simply at with him for 7 days because they saw how great his suffering was.
And then things go off the rails when they start to talk...
Oh I want to hear those hard-won stories of learning (maybe a future post for you?) because there is so much richness in those encounters where we mess up and learn how not to do things.
I too think about Job here and use his friends as examples when teaching this to my CPE students.
good thoughtful of you
This is an amazing post!
Thanks so much!
Thomas Merton said, "there is greater comfort in the substance of silence than in the answer to a question."
Oh I love this! I'm working on a post about silence now and will have to incorporate this!
This is excellent. As a Chaplain I too made many of the same mistakes only to learn less is best. Thanks
Thanks Tom, we do learn a lot by making those mistakes! (In fact I often tell my CPE students that if they could do this perfectly, I would be out of a job!) Thanks fr the good work you do! What's your chaplaincy context?
Yes!
That is all :).
Christine, this should be printed and handed out to every one who enters a church or visits the family of a terminal patient in hospital. I come from a much more down-to-earth and plain speaking environment than I think is common in my new country in Canada. I am amazed how frequently I hear these platitudes and am grateful that my experience helps me "show up and shut up" when required.
Ah thank you for seeing the value in this post, I believe it's such an important message that does need to be shared with others. If you want, we can turn this the article for you blog to correspond to the podcast episode we recorded.
I cringe when people say “I’ve been blessed”, implying that others less fortunate have been overlooked or punished by God. Thanks for validating
Yes! That is another example of problematic theology due to what it says about others. It reminds me of a seminary a classmate when talking about an experience where she escaped a traumatic situation and said "God didn't want me to get assaulted that day" as if God wants that to happen to others?! We have to think through how our statements can feel/sound to the others listening.