A Grief Gift Guide

Beyond Flowers: 12 Things to Give People Who are Suffering

When people know others who are going through difficult times, they will often ask me:

• “How can I support my friend/family/coworker going through this hard thing?”

• “What can I do to help?” 

•  “How can I show them that I care?” 

I’ve given advice before on how to be with someone in their suffering. I’ve shared about what to say and what not to say. I always emphasize being over doing, when it comes to support. But sometimes, people want to do something impactful. We want to offer support in a tactile way. 

Sometimes we want to send gifts to show we care.

This can be a welcome gesture, especially if someone is far away or trying to honor a significant loss. Because we also know that the holiday season can be hard for so many people, for various reasons – I’ve created this Grief Gift Guide. It could be used for someone mourning a loss of a person, but it is not only for that type of loss, as we are all grieving something at any given time.

Also, don’t feel as though you are time limited with any of these acts of kindness and generosity. Just because you didn’t send something or do something at the very moment of crisis - the new diagnosis, the date of death, the loss of a job, etc - doesn’t mean it would not be welcome weeks and even months later. (In fact, it might be more valued when others have “moved on”). Just as there is stated etiquette that you have a year to send a new couple a wedding gift, there should be an extended timeframe for anyone suffering to recieve a token of support.

I love perusing the holiday gift guides that come out around this time of year. And yet they also emphasize consumerist culture. So, with that tension, I’ve included both material and experiential suggestions below. While it’s the holiday season now, many of these are helpful regardless of the time of year.

And if you want to treat yourself to any of them, that’s encouraged too!

12 Gift Ideas for People in Pain

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Errand Running 

When people are going through something major, many well-meaning friends call/text with “Let me know if I can do anything” or “What can I do?” As thoughtful as this act may be, I don’t recommend it. It puts the onus on the one suffering to think of what they need and ask for it. In a crisis, people are overwhelmed and may not know what they need, let alone organize a way of asking for it.

Instead, I suggest coming up with two logistical things that you could offer and have the person pick one. Text and say “I can walk your dog or take your kids for an afternoon or both. Which would you prefer?” They might say “Both.” Or they could respond, “Thanks we are covered on that front, but if you could mow the lawn, that’d be great.” Get specific with what you can do that might help. Also, don’t get offended if you don’t hear back. If people are in the eye of the storm, they could be inundated by these non-specific inquiries. Simply follow up later on with something else on the list.

Meals 

One logistical support that our society seems to turn to regularly is providing food. Whether it’s dropping off casseroles or participating in a meal train, or even sending an UberEats gift card – giving nourishment can be a meaningful support. As someone who has been the recipient of these after surgeries and other crises, I was incredibly grateful to have one less thing to worry about. But on the flip side, others have told me when they were going through something intense, they had no appetite and untouched pans of ziti molded in their fridge. And people have all sorts of dietary needs/preferences that you may not be aware of. Suffice to say, not every way of offering care will work for everyone – but it is still better to air on the side of reaching out than not. 

Pro Tip: If you are planning on bringing over food, text the person to let them know what time it will be there and leave it on the doorstep rather than making them answer the door and turning it into a social visit when they may not have the capacity for that.

Book of Blessings

I often get asked to recommend books on grief. There are so many to choose from, but one I return to repeatedly that spans all types of experiences is Jan Richardson’s Cure for Sorrow. It is a book of blessings that she wrote following the death of her husband. Her blessings read like poems. She writes of their intent in her introduction: “A blessing meets us in the place of our deepest loss. In that place it offers us a place of wholeness and claims that wholeness here and now.” (I’ve included one of my favorite blessings from her book at the end of this post.)

Attend a Longest Night Service Together

This is a quiet and contemplative service offered by many religious organizations, hospitals, hospices and even community centers. It is a service that makes space for sorrow in the midst of a season of joy. You can read more about what they are like here

The Longest Night

Research some services in your area and accompany someone who is grieving so they don’t have to go alone.

Pro Tip: Don’t plan on to going for dinner or a social activity afterwards, as the individual might not be in the mindset for that, but gently play it by ear.

Art Supplies

Some people cope by creating beauty in the midst of their pain. It can be a valuable way of expressing the depths of one’s suffering. You may want to send over a journal, some paints, or crafting supplies. If the person is able to venture out, you might look into some local art classes, there could be a pottery studio or art space nearby that offers gift cards. This would have the added benefit of socialization, when some might tend to self-isolate.

Send a Card

You probably sent a sympathy card before or after the funeral. But don’t let that be the only time you send a card. Send one in advance of holidays, or the anniversary of a death or an upcoming birthday (you may want to mark those dates on your calendar to remind you). Consider writing a story about their loved one or something you saw recently that reminded you of them. Many people are afraid of “making it worse” for the griever by “bringing it up” but that is not the case. You aren’t reminding them of their loss, they live with it everyday and this can be a simple way of acknowledging that and signaling that you are open to continue talking about their loved one (especially when others might avoid it). If you don’t know what to say, there are a lot of empathy cards you can purchase that will say it for you - for whatever the occasion.

Email a Substack Article

One of my readers told me they sent one of my articles to someone whose loved one died a year ago and it was helpful to read, as it normalized what they were going through and made them realize they were not alone.

There are some fantastic writers on Substack writing about how to get through hard things. If you’re an author, please link posts that would make good gifts below. (Note, for those of you not as familiar with substack, some authors have articles under a paywall and you can do a monthly or yearly subscription, so that could be a good gift if the content resonates – I don’t have that feature turned on for mine, so everything is freely accessible).

Here are two of my articles that readers have sent to friends/family:

Songs of Grief

Dark Night of the Soul

A Reminder of Light

While it might be a cliched gift, (that has been mocked by Saturday Night Live) -  I love candles. Especially this time of year, candles generate a cozy feeling of warmth in the darkness. It is a contemplative tool and a symbol of hope. Many religions will involve lighting a candle in honor or memory of a loved one. 

You can find candles to memorialize someone, offer more generic support or elicit a laugh with a twisted sense of humor. Or, for something a little different that brings light, I recommend my friend Karen’s beautiful, handmade oil lamps! This is the one I have in my Spiritual Direction office, but she has many beautiful pieces to choose from.

Professional House Cleaning or Laundry Service

Sometimes when we are in the throes of crisis or long-term suffering, keeping up with daily tasks falls by the wayside. If you are not nearby to give your own elbow grease, there are professional services you can engage with to help with house cleaning and laundry and other household needs. This is something you want to ask about before booking – ie. “I’m going to arrange for a professional cleaner to come over, would you be ok with that? If so, what day/time would be best, etc.” Again, some people might not want this type of gift, but I suspect many would be open to it.

Massage Gift Certificate

Tom was a widower in my bereavement group who at age 67 had his first professional massage. After his wife died, he was surprised by how much he missed physical touch and someone in our group suggested massage therapy. He cried after the first session. Grief takes a toll physically, as research shows us more and more about our bodies holding onto trauma. (Stay tuned for a future post about embodiment). You may consider getting a gift card to receive a massage, especially for someone who is so used to caring for others.

Go on a Walk Together

Another way to help with an embodiment practice is offering to go on a walk together. Movement can be very helpful to our mental health and is often something that we neglect to engage in when our worlds are turned upside down. And being in nature has its own healing benefits. Additionally, walking side by side might make it easier to talk instead of the intensity staring across from one another over dinner or coffee. It is also easier to engage in moments of meaningful silence when walking together, as it slows down the pace of conversation.

Charitable Donation

Sending flowers is a traditional way to express condolences right when a death occurs, but I’ve also had mourners tell me that they are overwhelmed with them. “It is like a funeral home in here with all these arrangements” someone once told me when I visited after a death and insisted, I take some with me because she “couldn’t even enjoy them.” There is a trend toward making charitable donations in someone’s memory at the time of their death. I think this can be a lovely gesture, especially if you know of nonprofits that the deceased valued. But this act does not have to be made only in the initial surge of bereavement, it can be done at any time and would be a meaningful way of letting the griever know you are thinking of them and their departed during the holiday season.

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What would you add to this list?

What have others gifted you that was meaningful in a dark time?

What will you do to care for yourself during this season?

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And in case you find yourself in chaos at the moment, however you define it, may you find solace in this blessing from Jan Richardson’s book referenced above.

Blessing in the Chaos

To all that is chaotic
in you,
let there come silence.

Let there be
a calming
of the clamoring,
a stilling
of the voices that
have laid their claim
on you,
that have made their
home in you,

that go with you
even to the
holy places
but will not
let you rest,
will not let you
hear your life
with wholeness
or feel the grace
that fashioned you.

Let what distracts you
cease.
Let what divides you
cease.
Let there come an end
to what diminishes
and demeans,
and let depart
all that keeps you
in its cage.

Let there be
an opening
into the quiet
that lies beneath
the chaos,
where you find
the peace
you did not think
possible
and see what shimmers
within the storm.

—Jan Richardson

Related Posts:

The Longest Night

God Doesn't Need Another Angel

Thou Shalt Not Fix