I love this topic, Christine! Really helpful to keep on-hand for the suffering around us and within us. Truly. Only a chaplain, and particularly you with your spiritual director training as well, can offer such a tender treatment of this topic.
I think additionally something I've had to work on is my capacity to hold the 'Why" and the "I don't know?" As a physical therapist, people often come because they are in pain that they don't understand. As you know, I tend towards a chaplain-archetype. In such a profession, we are supposed to have the answers so that the patient can be 'fixed.' But often the reason that body challenges show up is more complicated than than, more than just a mechanical issue (because the human machine metaphor breaks down), and includes emotional components (because research is showing us that persistent pain is, at a minimum, physical + emotional + social). So teaching my nervous system to have the capacity to hold the "I don't know," continues to be an important part of being a healthcare provider for me.
Beth Anne I can relate to this. As a chiropractor in private practice for 30 years I know what the NMSK system can hold on to and how difficult it is to tell a patient I don't know. They want answers that sometimes I cannot provide.
Both of your comments reminded me of a time when I was asking my chiropractor (who was a man of great healing and tenderness) why my back or shoulder was doing something weird leading to pain and he joked with me - "Do you ever step in dog poo and wonder what kind of dog it was? no - you clean it up and move on!" We don't always need the answers, they're not always available to us and yet we still ask!
I loved this post and it has certainly explained my journey for meaning-making in my husband’s cancer diagnosis- my life’s premier earth-shattering event. I asked myself why, lamented my sadness and depression, questioned my beliefs and worldly construct…only to arrive at the simple conclusion that life isn’t rational and one needs to take a day at a time. Thank you for this post - it helped me understand a new piece of my journey.
Thank you for sharing some of your journey here and in your writing. The asking why and the lamenting and deconstructing is such a painful process, but a necessary one to journey through the reality of suffering. I think it can be doubling hard when our loved one is in pain, because we have the added dynamic of our own helplessness. So hard to navigate and blessings on you as you help others chart their path too.
The "Why not me?" question is very thoughtful and reflects, I think, an attitude of discipleship as it opens one to the possibility not just that there's some purpose for one's suffering but that it could even be a grace, like the man's spider bite. In this way, "Why not me?" can help one take a step above our usual self-involvement to think of God rather than self.
It reminds me of the story of a medieval Sufi saint, Rabbi'a, who was suffering on her deathbed. One of her disciples tried to offer a consolation. "“He is no true lover of God, after all,” he said, “who is not willing to suffer for God’s sake.” Rabbi'a replied, "This smacks of egoism to me.” Another disciple attempted a correction by saying, “He is no true lover of God who is not *happy* to suffer for God’s sake.” To which Rabbi'a replied, "More than this is needed." A third disciple then asked, "You tell us, then, Mother--what is the right attitude for a lover of God?" Her reply was, "He is no true lover of God who does not *forget* his suffering in the contemplation of the Supreme Beloved.”
I've never heard that story before - I love it! What a powerful framing of suffering in relationship to God. And than you also for sharing your post, I look forward to reading it!
A very good explanation of the "why" question Christine. I agree completely with the cancer patient who called you Honey. I had a series of life-shattering events before I turned 60. Each event built my resilience incrementally so that I was able to be fairly relaxed about my heart attack and 7 years later, by-pass surgery.
It's amazing how our past adversity can lead to future resilience! And I wonder about how that mindset may impact clinical outcomes - but that's for someone else to do research on!
I was taught early on in my spiritual direction training that the most powerful question I can ask is, "Why?" I love your treatment of this question in your wonderful piece. "They are not shocked by the events, because their life-shattering experiences have already occurred. They anticipate hardship." Within the context of my PTSD experience, I find this to be so true. Of course I feel the pain, anger, disappointment, despair, etc. but I never the question of the event with why, but instead look inwardly at my own reactions, feelings, trying to grasp my own why. Thank you for this, Christine.
I'm so glad that you are doing this delicate work of unpacking the why's with others in spiritual direction! I agree, the focusing on feelings can often lead to more healing than trying to wrestle our way to an explanation.
Great article, Christine. I've witnessed variations of all these. In the similar way you say, I don't know, for me, to me when 'why' bubbles up, sometimes I simply say 'Because.' No further explanation or probing. I can move more quickly into being mindfully present in the 'now' moment.
I've witnessed some caregivers stop asking 'Why' or being numbed into a passive-aggressive state. I was recently sharing with two separate carers, how we can feel desensitised when the same nerve/pain is being hit over and over. Numbed hypervigilant state.
Thanks for offering different perspectives and the poem. Another insightful read.
I love that you say "Because" - what a great answer that doesn't give an answer, but always for deeper movment and presence.
And I think what you refer to for the caregivers is an important dynamic. I often see a shift from acceptance into resignation, which can move to resentment. All of it is normal, but complicated to navigate.
"Why me?" Oh yes, how I relate to that question . . .and . . . I remember my first spiritual director reframing that "why" . . . now I don't even remember exactly what she said, but I do think of her every time I lament in my anguish, and/or self pity, "WHY"?
"Gratitude in stressful circumstances can help foster resilience. This mindset changed Vern’s whole perspective and he gave him a sense of order and hope. " I love that! The spiritual practice of gratitude has been life changing for me over the years, and I mean REAL gratitude, not just gratitude as a coping mechanism.
Love this turn of phrase: "core-shaking uprootedness", oh my goodness, that's perfect! That's pretty much how I've felt moving to the South of France after 67 years in America. Although I am loving much of it, we've had some hard days living in a whole new pot with completely different soil!
And thank you, Beth Anne, for "teaching the nervous system to have the capacity for the I don't know", love that!
Thanks Karla! You've sat with so many of my why questions! I will start working on that gratitude post for you soon! You are truly uprooted in so many ways - even if for good reason, of course the hard days would be there following that.
Thank you for tackling this difficult subject with grace and delicacy. My own “spider” was an MRI that led to a breast cancer diagnosis at 44. The cancer was too small to be detected by mammogram and I was days from my 45th birthday. Diagnosis before 45 meant fewer questions from insurance and early detection meant I avoided chemo. I definitely asked why — mainly to God. I trust him to handle all of my questions and emotions, even the difficult ones.
Shannon, thank you for trusting us with your "spider story" here. I am glad you were able to have a favorable outcome, but of course all those hard emotions would be there in the midst of everything. (Also, I just had my yearly mammogram and ultrasound this week, and your words here are a good reminder for all the ladies reading to screen and be vigilant).
I appreciate you laying out these two perspectives Christine. I am a searcher-for-meaning while also innately understanding that life is far from fair and there are no rules. I sense I would not be very patient with someone asking why me, as if they were somehow immune to burdens. However having one thing land on top of another would be a tough one to swallow and I can imagine questioning those burdens. I hold your words in my mind frequently when I'm interacting with someone going through a hard time, especially what not to say. Thank you for your wisdom.
I love how you phrased that - a searcher for meaning while also knowing that there are no rules. That sums up many of us!
I suspect you would be patient with others! But there is a difference between the "Why me" and the "Woe is me" (which I almost wrote about too, but the post was becoming too long!) Most people don't dwell forever in the Why Me camp, but there are occasionally folks were "Woe is me" is their whole general demeanor. My patience wears a bit thin when I'm encountering someone who has that pervasive mindset everyday.
SpiderMan's story was so re-assuring, and helped me put on a new lens to really appreciate gratitude; a word I have been on complicated terms with in recent times.
I love this topic, Christine! Really helpful to keep on-hand for the suffering around us and within us. Truly. Only a chaplain, and particularly you with your spiritual director training as well, can offer such a tender treatment of this topic.
I think additionally something I've had to work on is my capacity to hold the 'Why" and the "I don't know?" As a physical therapist, people often come because they are in pain that they don't understand. As you know, I tend towards a chaplain-archetype. In such a profession, we are supposed to have the answers so that the patient can be 'fixed.' But often the reason that body challenges show up is more complicated than than, more than just a mechanical issue (because the human machine metaphor breaks down), and includes emotional components (because research is showing us that persistent pain is, at a minimum, physical + emotional + social). So teaching my nervous system to have the capacity to hold the "I don't know," continues to be an important part of being a healthcare provider for me.
Beth Anne I can relate to this. As a chiropractor in private practice for 30 years I know what the NMSK system can hold on to and how difficult it is to tell a patient I don't know. They want answers that sometimes I cannot provide.
Both of your comments reminded me of a time when I was asking my chiropractor (who was a man of great healing and tenderness) why my back or shoulder was doing something weird leading to pain and he joked with me - "Do you ever step in dog poo and wonder what kind of dog it was? no - you clean it up and move on!" We don't always need the answers, they're not always available to us and yet we still ask!
Oh that's the best answer ever!
I loved this post and it has certainly explained my journey for meaning-making in my husband’s cancer diagnosis- my life’s premier earth-shattering event. I asked myself why, lamented my sadness and depression, questioned my beliefs and worldly construct…only to arrive at the simple conclusion that life isn’t rational and one needs to take a day at a time. Thank you for this post - it helped me understand a new piece of my journey.
Thank you for sharing some of your journey here and in your writing. The asking why and the lamenting and deconstructing is such a painful process, but a necessary one to journey through the reality of suffering. I think it can be doubling hard when our loved one is in pain, because we have the added dynamic of our own helplessness. So hard to navigate and blessings on you as you help others chart their path too.
The "Why not me?" question is very thoughtful and reflects, I think, an attitude of discipleship as it opens one to the possibility not just that there's some purpose for one's suffering but that it could even be a grace, like the man's spider bite. In this way, "Why not me?" can help one take a step above our usual self-involvement to think of God rather than self.
It reminds me of the story of a medieval Sufi saint, Rabbi'a, who was suffering on her deathbed. One of her disciples tried to offer a consolation. "“He is no true lover of God, after all,” he said, “who is not willing to suffer for God’s sake.” Rabbi'a replied, "This smacks of egoism to me.” Another disciple attempted a correction by saying, “He is no true lover of God who is not *happy* to suffer for God’s sake.” To which Rabbi'a replied, "More than this is needed." A third disciple then asked, "You tell us, then, Mother--what is the right attitude for a lover of God?" Her reply was, "He is no true lover of God who does not *forget* his suffering in the contemplation of the Supreme Beloved.”
That's what the man with the spider bite seems to be doing, and I think it's something that anyone can do, really, with a willing heart. (I wrote an account of this in my own newsletter called "A Matter of the Heart", https://kiranblackwell.substack.com/p/a-matter-of-the-heart-part-1?r=2pm8fx)
I've never heard that story before - I love it! What a powerful framing of suffering in relationship to God. And than you also for sharing your post, I look forward to reading it!
I love it to, and I keep it in my heart as an inspiration for any kind of pain. I'd love to hear your comments on the story, too.
A very good explanation of the "why" question Christine. I agree completely with the cancer patient who called you Honey. I had a series of life-shattering events before I turned 60. Each event built my resilience incrementally so that I was able to be fairly relaxed about my heart attack and 7 years later, by-pass surgery.
It's amazing how our past adversity can lead to future resilience! And I wonder about how that mindset may impact clinical outcomes - but that's for someone else to do research on!
This was such a great read Christine. Sitting more with the “I don’t know” is hard but you are right, sometimes we may not know the answers ✨
Thanks Mackenzie! It can be so hard to articulate we don't know - especially when our impetus is to reduce the other person's suffering (or our own!)
I was taught early on in my spiritual direction training that the most powerful question I can ask is, "Why?" I love your treatment of this question in your wonderful piece. "They are not shocked by the events, because their life-shattering experiences have already occurred. They anticipate hardship." Within the context of my PTSD experience, I find this to be so true. Of course I feel the pain, anger, disappointment, despair, etc. but I never the question of the event with why, but instead look inwardly at my own reactions, feelings, trying to grasp my own why. Thank you for this, Christine.
I'm so glad that you are doing this delicate work of unpacking the why's with others in spiritual direction! I agree, the focusing on feelings can often lead to more healing than trying to wrestle our way to an explanation.
Great article, Christine. I've witnessed variations of all these. In the similar way you say, I don't know, for me, to me when 'why' bubbles up, sometimes I simply say 'Because.' No further explanation or probing. I can move more quickly into being mindfully present in the 'now' moment.
I've witnessed some caregivers stop asking 'Why' or being numbed into a passive-aggressive state. I was recently sharing with two separate carers, how we can feel desensitised when the same nerve/pain is being hit over and over. Numbed hypervigilant state.
Thanks for offering different perspectives and the poem. Another insightful read.
I love that you say "Because" - what a great answer that doesn't give an answer, but always for deeper movment and presence.
And I think what you refer to for the caregivers is an important dynamic. I often see a shift from acceptance into resignation, which can move to resentment. All of it is normal, but complicated to navigate.
Exactly, yes, Christine!
This is beautiful and gets to the heart of the questions we ask! I love how you draw from all the sectors of life - including lessons from our kids! 😘
Isn't it amazing what the kids can teach us sometimes! 😂
I resonate with this post SO much. I love the way you tenderly walk with those around you who are suffering and asking such painful questions.
Thanks Brianna. Those of us who know the depths of suffering tend to make space for those questions as others ask them anew.
"Why me?" Oh yes, how I relate to that question . . .and . . . I remember my first spiritual director reframing that "why" . . . now I don't even remember exactly what she said, but I do think of her every time I lament in my anguish, and/or self pity, "WHY"?
"Gratitude in stressful circumstances can help foster resilience. This mindset changed Vern’s whole perspective and he gave him a sense of order and hope. " I love that! The spiritual practice of gratitude has been life changing for me over the years, and I mean REAL gratitude, not just gratitude as a coping mechanism.
Love this turn of phrase: "core-shaking uprootedness", oh my goodness, that's perfect! That's pretty much how I've felt moving to the South of France after 67 years in America. Although I am loving much of it, we've had some hard days living in a whole new pot with completely different soil!
And thank you, Beth Anne, for "teaching the nervous system to have the capacity for the I don't know", love that!
Thanks Karla! You've sat with so many of my why questions! I will start working on that gratitude post for you soon! You are truly uprooted in so many ways - even if for good reason, of course the hard days would be there following that.
Thank you for tackling this difficult subject with grace and delicacy. My own “spider” was an MRI that led to a breast cancer diagnosis at 44. The cancer was too small to be detected by mammogram and I was days from my 45th birthday. Diagnosis before 45 meant fewer questions from insurance and early detection meant I avoided chemo. I definitely asked why — mainly to God. I trust him to handle all of my questions and emotions, even the difficult ones.
Shannon, thank you for trusting us with your "spider story" here. I am glad you were able to have a favorable outcome, but of course all those hard emotions would be there in the midst of everything. (Also, I just had my yearly mammogram and ultrasound this week, and your words here are a good reminder for all the ladies reading to screen and be vigilant).
I appreciate you laying out these two perspectives Christine. I am a searcher-for-meaning while also innately understanding that life is far from fair and there are no rules. I sense I would not be very patient with someone asking why me, as if they were somehow immune to burdens. However having one thing land on top of another would be a tough one to swallow and I can imagine questioning those burdens. I hold your words in my mind frequently when I'm interacting with someone going through a hard time, especially what not to say. Thank you for your wisdom.
I love how you phrased that - a searcher for meaning while also knowing that there are no rules. That sums up many of us!
I suspect you would be patient with others! But there is a difference between the "Why me" and the "Woe is me" (which I almost wrote about too, but the post was becoming too long!) Most people don't dwell forever in the Why Me camp, but there are occasionally folks were "Woe is me" is their whole general demeanor. My patience wears a bit thin when I'm encountering someone who has that pervasive mindset everyday.
Yes that’s true, there is a difference.
SpiderMan's story was so re-assuring, and helped me put on a new lens to really appreciate gratitude; a word I have been on complicated terms with in recent times.
Thanks so much for this gem, CVD. 💛