I'm a recovering fixer too. When I trained to be a life and leadership coach a few years ago, it was so hard to stop giving advice. But it changed my entire outlook on ministry. I'm sending your post out to my Befrienders Care Team. We often say, "Care, not cure." Now we will say, "It's not about the nail!"
"Care not cure!" I've never heard that one before, I love it! I may incorporate that into future didactics with my students. Thanks for sharing the post, and what a cool team to have. I want to hear more about your coaching experience too. People often ask me the difference between that and Spiritual Direction, but I don't have a great answer since I've never done it before.
Both coaching and spiritual direction are about discernment, and they can cross over at times. As a coach I work to help people discern what they want and what is getting in the way of moving forward. It can be completely secular or very spiritual. Coaching is more about finding your next step towards the big picture. Spiritual Direction is more learning to travel the inward journey. I run a Prayer of Examen group at church, where I'm leading a guided meditation, and welcoming their reflection together. Occasionally coaching slips into that group, but it is mostly about the prayer. If you would like to know more, message me and we can talk.
Running the risk of, er, fixing, I would like to commend this post to everyone, and in particular those in helping professions, or those who want to be.
Oh I am glad they were helpful and thanks for sharing them with your spiritual directors in training. It's funny, I think the desire to fix in spiritual direction is in someways stronger than chaplaincy. It could be because chaplain students can't exactly medicate/operate whereas SD students could prescribe certain practices!
My husband I have watched this hilarious (and accurate) video a ton of times. I appreciate your nuanced and realistic approach to the difficulty of discerning right action, or even inner knowing of what we need. Your example of Earl is very moving, it's one I will hold close to my heart when I am navigating difficult situations. Sadly it is also a reminder of how many times I got it wrong.
Donna - you are not alone, I have gotten it wrong plenty of times too! I'm glad Earl touched your heart as much as he did mine. And the video does capture something true, doesn't it? There are some added layers about gender dynamics there to be sure, but I think the message is still applicable!
ah, the story under the story. it takes time, pauses, patience. "I just wish i could fix this." beautiful Christine. your students have a wise supervisor.
I think I’m going to assign this post to my CPE students. Maybe you can ‘fix’ the ‘fixing’.
But, if I’m being honest, the need to help or to fix is part of the reason I become a rabbi. I wanted everyone to experience what I found so helpful and meaningful through my values, community, and beliefs. It was not a terrible impulse-but it did lead to a lot of frustration and exhaustion on my part.
I'm with you, the fixing is so much a part of my initial motivation to do this work, which makes it all the harder to un-learn. And assign away! Part of my hope here is to eventually transcribe all my didactics for students to read - mostly so I don't have to keep repeating myself!
This is such a great post, Christine. Thank you for writing and sharing it. The fixer thing is real. As a former physical therapist, it could be tricky at times because as a healthcare provider, people do expect you to fix their problem. As I learned more and more about how trauma and illness affect the body, and how interconnected emotions and the physical body state could be, it became a more difficult role for me to take on. Having also trained as a spiritual director in my past, I knew the deep and vital value of non-fixing and holding space instead. It's a tricky line to tow in the healthcare field...
That would be tricky in the healthcare field, especially when you are evaluating metrics that respond to fixing all the time. The holding space is valuable and hard. I consider myself lucky as a SD and chaplain that I don't have to measure the outcomes in the same way as our healthcare colleagues.
This is a great discussion Christine. When I was a pastor I was always in fixing mode but when I became a spiritual director I turned that mode off. So difficult to do when that’s your go to. Thankfully I’m so accustomed to listening mode that I resist fixing even when my directees are wanting me to make a decision for them. But the ones I’ve journeyed with the longest know that asking questions and listening is my practice and they need to do the same if they want answers.
There is a lot of fixing needed as a congregational pastor and I can see how that would be a significant shift as a Spiritual Director. My CPE students will sometimes ask me "should I do this, or should I do that" and laugh/roll their eyes when I simply say "Yes"
Christine, this is so excellent. We were never made to rescue, fix or save but we continue to barrel ahead leaving ourselves frustrated and the person we tried to help in not much better shape than they were before. Thank you for covering this important topic ... it's a subject I've become increasingly passionate about over the years.
Rescuing is another great term for fixing. I wish I had thought of that one when writing, or consulted a thesaurus! 😂 And that's a great point that it often leaves the rescuer frustrated, especially when it's around advice giving and the person seeking our care doesn't take our advice!
I'm a recovering fixer too. When I trained to be a life and leadership coach a few years ago, it was so hard to stop giving advice. But it changed my entire outlook on ministry. I'm sending your post out to my Befrienders Care Team. We often say, "Care, not cure." Now we will say, "It's not about the nail!"
"Care not cure!" I've never heard that one before, I love it! I may incorporate that into future didactics with my students. Thanks for sharing the post, and what a cool team to have. I want to hear more about your coaching experience too. People often ask me the difference between that and Spiritual Direction, but I don't have a great answer since I've never done it before.
Both coaching and spiritual direction are about discernment, and they can cross over at times. As a coach I work to help people discern what they want and what is getting in the way of moving forward. It can be completely secular or very spiritual. Coaching is more about finding your next step towards the big picture. Spiritual Direction is more learning to travel the inward journey. I run a Prayer of Examen group at church, where I'm leading a guided meditation, and welcoming their reflection together. Occasionally coaching slips into that group, but it is mostly about the prayer. If you would like to know more, message me and we can talk.
Thanks for sharing these distinctions. I'm in the midst of writing a post describing what spiritual direction is and may quote you in it!
Running the risk of, er, fixing, I would like to commend this post to everyone, and in particular those in helping professions, or those who want to be.
😂 In teaching and preaching this - it is a form of fixing others! Thanks for sharing the post!
Right…but you’re welcome! 😄
Thank you for this. So incredibly touching AND practical. 💕💕
Glad it was helpful!
I needed these reminders today friend. Thank You! Sharing with my spiritual directors in training as well.
Oh I am glad they were helpful and thanks for sharing them with your spiritual directors in training. It's funny, I think the desire to fix in spiritual direction is in someways stronger than chaplaincy. It could be because chaplain students can't exactly medicate/operate whereas SD students could prescribe certain practices!
My husband I have watched this hilarious (and accurate) video a ton of times. I appreciate your nuanced and realistic approach to the difficulty of discerning right action, or even inner knowing of what we need. Your example of Earl is very moving, it's one I will hold close to my heart when I am navigating difficult situations. Sadly it is also a reminder of how many times I got it wrong.
Thank you for this excellent essay Christine!
Donna - you are not alone, I have gotten it wrong plenty of times too! I'm glad Earl touched your heart as much as he did mine. And the video does capture something true, doesn't it? There are some added layers about gender dynamics there to be sure, but I think the message is still applicable!
ah, the story under the story. it takes time, pauses, patience. "I just wish i could fix this." beautiful Christine. your students have a wise supervisor.
Thanks for your sweet words. And it sounds like you are no stranger to the time, pauses, patience in your work too!
I think I’m going to assign this post to my CPE students. Maybe you can ‘fix’ the ‘fixing’.
But, if I’m being honest, the need to help or to fix is part of the reason I become a rabbi. I wanted everyone to experience what I found so helpful and meaningful through my values, community, and beliefs. It was not a terrible impulse-but it did lead to a lot of frustration and exhaustion on my part.
I'm with you, the fixing is so much a part of my initial motivation to do this work, which makes it all the harder to un-learn. And assign away! Part of my hope here is to eventually transcribe all my didactics for students to read - mostly so I don't have to keep repeating myself!
This is such a great post, Christine. Thank you for writing and sharing it. The fixer thing is real. As a former physical therapist, it could be tricky at times because as a healthcare provider, people do expect you to fix their problem. As I learned more and more about how trauma and illness affect the body, and how interconnected emotions and the physical body state could be, it became a more difficult role for me to take on. Having also trained as a spiritual director in my past, I knew the deep and vital value of non-fixing and holding space instead. It's a tricky line to tow in the healthcare field...
That would be tricky in the healthcare field, especially when you are evaluating metrics that respond to fixing all the time. The holding space is valuable and hard. I consider myself lucky as a SD and chaplain that I don't have to measure the outcomes in the same way as our healthcare colleagues.
This is a great discussion Christine. When I was a pastor I was always in fixing mode but when I became a spiritual director I turned that mode off. So difficult to do when that’s your go to. Thankfully I’m so accustomed to listening mode that I resist fixing even when my directees are wanting me to make a decision for them. But the ones I’ve journeyed with the longest know that asking questions and listening is my practice and they need to do the same if they want answers.
There is a lot of fixing needed as a congregational pastor and I can see how that would be a significant shift as a Spiritual Director. My CPE students will sometimes ask me "should I do this, or should I do that" and laugh/roll their eyes when I simply say "Yes"
Christine, this is so excellent. We were never made to rescue, fix or save but we continue to barrel ahead leaving ourselves frustrated and the person we tried to help in not much better shape than they were before. Thank you for covering this important topic ... it's a subject I've become increasingly passionate about over the years.
Rescuing is another great term for fixing. I wish I had thought of that one when writing, or consulted a thesaurus! 😂 And that's a great point that it often leaves the rescuer frustrated, especially when it's around advice giving and the person seeking our care doesn't take our advice!
"Fixing someone else’s issue is sometimes more about us and our needs and less about the other person."
Yes! and it can be a way to avoid our own pain or discomfort.
Absolutely. It is hard to grapple with the fact that we are often fixing for the sole purpose of making ourselves feel better! Thanks for sharing!