The Juggle & The Struggle
How (not) to Balance Work & Motherhood
Today is Mother’s Day in the United States and if you are in a place where that is a bit more of a complicated experience then last week’s post (below) is for you. This week is a short peek at what it’s like to run a Spiritual Care Department as a mom.
Saturday mornings in the fall means soccer games for my family, a tradition that began 5 years ago. In that first season, I remember one October morning well. The grass was wet but the sun was shining bright enough to keep us from noticing. My two-year-old was eating snacks on a blanket with some other younger siblings on the sidelines of my four-year old’s soccer “game.” The game entailed lots of water breaks with a little bit of kicking a ball here and there. My “soccer player” was more interested in collecting the leaves on the field.
I was half watching both kids and half chatting with some of the other moms about what the rest of the day’s plans were: a library trip, a play date, or a grocery store run. The exciting weekend schedules of moms with young kids. My cell phone rang and it was one of my interns.
The other moms heard my half of the conversation:
“Hi Mark, what’s going on?”
“No, if it’s after two hours, they would have moved the body to the morgue.”
“Yes, do you know the nature of death? If it was a gunshot wound, then the family can’t see him until after he goes to the Medical Examiner.”
“Page the nursing supervisor and security and then go down with them. You go in and look at the body first, because you will have to prepare the family for what they will see, let them know if there are tubes still inserted or anything like that. Get a sheet to put over the body bag to make it look a little nicer. Make sure there are some tissues available. Morgue visits must be relatively quick, so after a few minutes, you can tell the family it’s time and offer to pray and escort them out.”
“Ok, bye!”
I hung up and the other moms were staring at me. With raised eyebrows, one mom tentatively asked, “Um, that sounded intense. What is it you do for a living?”
Oops.
I often forget that the ins and outs of my job and what is routine to me can sound appalling to others.
I suppose it is rather bizarre to talk about death and a morgue visit at a Pee-Wee soccer game. And yet, that is the duality of my life.
This was not an isolated incident. There were Cub Scout meetings, basketball practices, birthday parties – all have required me to step out of my mom role for a moment and help my interns sort something out at the hospital. I have been driving and pulled over to get out of the car to talk to a scared intern who had to go comfort the parents of a baby who had just died. Meanwhile, my kids were in the car making faces at me and complaining that they were hungry and confused as to why Mommy was not giving them all of her attention.
And then there is the time when I’m away from my kids. My hospital is a 45 minute drive from my house. I leave most mornings at 4:30am to get all my hours in so that I can leave early to be home to meet their school bus. It’s a lot. (Also, have I mentioned what a great parenting partner my husband is?)
This past week my second grader had a school concert at 9:30am and said, “Yeah, I know you can’t go, so you’ll just have G’s mom take a picture and send it to you again.” (Which is my typical MO for morning school functions – thanks Alison!) But this year I made it! I canceled my interns’ class (which they weren’t that upset about) and joined 200 parents in the school gym for half an hour. I then had “Take Me Out to the Ballgame” in my head for the rest of the day while I did payroll, balanced the budget, and wrote evaluations for my students from home.
As all working moms everywhere have lamented: I do the best I can, and it’s hard to have it all, let alone balance everything. It is enough to make anyone feel like an imposter from time to time.
Caregiving personally and professionally is a logistical juggling act, but also an emotional one.
I started my chaplaincy career well before having children. After kids it got infinitely harder. To do this work well, one must truly empathize with what someone is going through. When steeped in suffering at work, it is almost impossible for me to separate it out from my own family. It is an occupational hazard to fear for their safety on a daily basis. For example, when my children were younger I was insufferable about pool safety. I insisted on cutting up grapes and hotdogs into such tiny bites. Epipens were stashed in multiple locations. Worst case scenarios are always on my mind. Because I see those worst case scenarios every day. Being a chaplain is harder now because when I sit with parents going through the unimaginable – I do imagine it, so that I can be a better presence to them.
Some days my work makes me even more grateful for my family. Some days my family gets only the fumes of my empty tank after being a compassionate presence for others all day long.
And I know this is not unique to moms who are also hospital chaplains. It is the case for many of us. Struggling and juggling to hold it all together.
To those of us struggling, I offer this prayer from
& ’ lovely book, The Beauty of Motherhood: Grace-Filled Devotions for the Early YearsGod, my doubts and insecurities are nothing compared to your grace. Teach me to trust that you are with me and have called me to such a time as this. Grant me peace when I question my worth. Lead me to resting in your love. Speak over the words that I long to hear: “You’re doing great.” Amen.
A few months back, I was featured in
’s substack Being in Motherhood for her Unspoken Words series. (Link below)I will admit that I typed out my responses quickly on my phone while waiting for a meeting to begin at work, so my words aren’t that coherent, but they are honest! What’s funny to me now is how I was giving voice to the same words in that prayer, without having discovered that book yet. I suspect it speaks to how many of us might need to soak in those words.
Substack has been a lovely community for getting to know lots of people. Today I’m thinking especially about the mothers on this platform, like the ones named above and many others whose writing feeds my soul. So I invite you to introduce yourself and your publications to others in the comments so they may meet you too and we can say these words to each other.
One of the blessings of emergency medicine is that when I'm not at work, I'm never at work. I might have to stay late, but once I'm home, someone else is handling it. I think the struggle for me is more being able to shift gears between work and home, to not let the stress of the day leak out at the wrong person or when and what to share about a hard day. Also, I'm not always the most sympathetic about kid maladies. For example, my daughter has an egg allergy (which, thankfully has quite mild symptoms), so in my mind it's not a "real" allergy because it's not life threatening. I long to hear someone say "Don't Carry It All", but then also step in and actually start carrying some shit :)
Oh the morgue visits! How I remember some of those and the accompanying conversations. I remember a panicked Summer CPE chaplain, “I can’t find the baby, I can’t find the baby! It’s not in the drawer!”
(I hope that’s not too much to share!)