Six years ago, my husband of fifty one years died after fifteen years of muscle deterioration. We knew what it was and how it would end for eleven of those fifteen years. We built our lives around keeping him active and talking often about how we felt about where we were in the process of letting go. We both worked a portion of that time, lived among the people we loved and took care of each other. Communication each day was primary. We worked through many issues.
I never thought of the phrase anticipatory grief, but it describes my experience (our experience). Yes, it made it less stressful to accept the finality of life ending and there is gratitude in my heart for that.
Thank you for sharing your story of the love and loss of your husband here. It very much sounds like that time, as hard as it was, helped you to prepare. I'm also in the midst of writing a future post on caregiving, which I'm guessing you will relate to and how that can impact our grief. I am glad for the gratitude in your heart this time gave you and that for you anticipatory grief had some blessings attached to it.
I had anticipatory grief with both parents. I found it to be a time of richness and meaningfulness as we spoke about so many things. And those moments then carried me at and after their deaths. Still miss them…
Rachel, thank you for sharing about the time you had with your parents. It sounds like it was a profound opportunity to connect deeply with them. An example of how this can sometimes be a gift.
I appreciate you so much Christine: your ability to articulate experiences and express feelings like this.
'Sometimes anticipating the loss or change might feel worse than the thing itself. For instance, many grievers dread holidays, birthdays and the anniversary of the death of their loved one. And for some, the anxiety leading up to the date on the calendar proves more difficult than the actual day.' AND 'the emotional yo-yoing that anticipatory grief can bring'
Also, if I may add a few experiences that may resonate:
- the doubling up of 'holding vigil-ant' of someone else's grief as a caregiver, in addition to your own.
- The Burden and blessing of celebrating / marking occasions in LONG palliative/end of life caregiving.
- AND of course, trying to forgive ourselves for RAGING at the person dying, for dying but also for all the complexities, caring anguish that happens as part of their life-force and character ebbing away.
Victoria - thank you for sharing your experiences here. I keep meaning to write a post on caregiving and how rewarding but also terribly draining that can be. I think we don't talk about the rage and anguish enough and then people feel guilty about that very normal reaction. I am grateful for all the work you are doing to help carers - including your recent stacks!
Thank you, dear Christine. I know you empathise and understand and I appreciate your work/essays! Everyday when I read posts on forums I'm struck by how hard it is for caregivers to give themselves grace and forgiveness - LOVE is such an impossible standard where guilt, rage and anguish reside. Forgiveness seems like a distant dream or mirage, or for some, not conceivable when the demands of the 'system' are a constant drain. Sharing your experiences will give caregivers some light, empathy and understanding. thanks!
Please do, Christine, thank you—my hope is always that the Carer Mentor resources can be of service to others. After all, a BIG part of the stack is simply signposting to the work of others and creating a dynamic hub where everyone can connect with others. The iCARE stack is the main map-system for the overarching website: https://www.carermentor.com/s/icare-stack, Who started Carer Mentor & why is on the front homepage.
Care-giving/receiving needs to be at the heart of every community.xoxo
Dear Christine, I lived this kind of awful grief for years, watching my dear mom wrestle with endless pain with rarely a complaint. I can't help but believe it was just as excruciating for me as it was for her. I was so exhausted yet relieved when the Lord finally took her home. Most of my evening prayers the last few years start with deepest thanksgiving that she is now in heaven, free from pain, with the One she loved most of all.
Linda, thank you for sharing your precious experience here with your mother. It is so common when there is relief after death. Many of the families I sit with are shocked when that comes up for them, and then feel guilty for it. And what a lovely evening prayer ritual you have. Blessings as you continue to honor her memory.
A beautiful and insightful piece, Christine! My dad died from a terminal illness, so everything you said about anticipatory grief rang so true for me. The downside is we have to live with the knowledge that loss is inevitable. It’s like having a dark cloud looming over your head constantly. The silver lining is time. Being forced to face life’s impermanence makes you appreciate the importance of living with intention and making the most of the time we are given. In our case, knowing Dad didn’t have long before he’d be paralysed, and eventually gone, meant we could plan ahead - we went travelling together while he could still walk, and my husband and I moved up our timeline to start a family so Dad could see a grandchild. It gave us a chance to tell him and show him how much we love him and how much he means to us. But behind each of these moments was the acute awareness that our time with him was limited. As you so rightly said, anticipatory grief can be both a blessing and a curse. How we choose to look at it matters. Thank you for this!
Thank you Ruthie for sharing more about your dad here (and in your post recent post about him, which was a lovely introduction to who he was). The image you describe with the dark cloud and silver lining is perfect for anticipatory grief. And the ways in which you re-organized your priorities to make the most of your time with him is so heartwarming.
Oh thanks Beth Anne. I'm touched that you even called it a poem - as it is new for me to write like that! I wrote it specifically for this piece, while I was at a writing retreat recently (I was also surrounded by the changing and falling of the autumn leaves, which seemed appropriate for anticipatory grief and why I featured them in this post).
I really needed to read this, Christine. Honestly, I didn't really notice or pay attention to seeing anticipatory grief but it definitely exists. It's funny because I've been thinking about the cruel things in life and one of the cruelest is the lifespan of a dog. My dog is fairly young, just six, but I've been thinking about his mortality as well as, the melting ice cube that is the reality of my life. Thank you for this, friend.
Thanks Steve. I was just commenting above, to my Spiritual Director, Karla, about how pet loss is underappreciated and I keep meaning to write about that. I have a friend who has said something similar to what you just mentioned - that he'll never get a dog again because it is just setting himself up for future heartache. Although I suppose that can be true for most connections we make in our short time on this planet.
Thanks Maia! I was unsure if the blessing worked (writing those always feels vulnerable to me) but wanted to offer something tangible so I'm relieved it resonated!
This is such a meaningful distinction, thinking about the grief we experience in the anticipating. Such a complicated work but giving language to it can be so healing.
Thanks Emily. You are right about the language for it being healing.-I find that there is power in the naming of the experience as such, as it normalizes it and helps us to wrap our minds around it.
An excellent article. I have experienced both sudden and anticipatory grief, and would trade sudden for anticipatory every time. However, I have not experienced long years of anticipatory grief which must bring its own pain to the situation.
I found you comment about eco grief thought-provoking. I am perhaps a head in the sand person concerning climate change. You've opened my mind to thinking through how other positions cause people to grieve. Food for thought.
Sharon, thanks so much for reading and sharing your experiences here. I agree, that anticipatory grief is generally much better than sudden loss, but every situation can be unique.
And thanks for commenting about the eco-grief. It's a concept that I am newer to as well, but having read an article about chaplains attending to it, I know there's more there to unpack. I have had people around me who have pulled my head out of the sand, but am still bewildered by it and overwhelmed, like so many of us.
Interesting that you applied anticipatory grief to the election!! I’ve been writing spiritual practices to help people stay grounded instead of anxious and fearful this election season. But I hadn’t thought about the coming changes, whatever they may be, as a reason to grieve. Especially not with anticipatory grief!
Oh your substack sounds perfect. I just subscribed and also sent it to one of my directees to read, as it was related to our session this week.
I think the anxiety of anticipatory grief is so palpable right now, a change is definitely coming and not knowing what it will be or look like certainly has everyone on edge.
Thanks so much for subscribing!! I read today that 60% of American adults are having adverse mental health symptoms because of the election. And not everyone has the emotional intelligence to know how to manage all these emotions. I expect that these unmanaged emotions will be squeezing out sideways in the next few weeks!
Oh, anticipatory grief is just so hard! I remember especially feeling it for our beloved cat, Pablo. He got diabetes in the last year of his life and we knew he could go any day. And he lived a whole year longer! I woke up every day so glad that he was with us, but there was always this little worry in the back of my mind . . . .we treasured the time we had with him. And when he finally went over the rainbow bridge, we were released to move to France!
Thank you for sharing here about Pablo and the ways in which you were able to cherish the last year of his life. The worry is one of the burdens of this anticipation. I keep meaning to write a post about how pet loss is so under acknowledged in our society but it is such a significant loss that I don't think we talk about enough.
Six years ago, my husband of fifty one years died after fifteen years of muscle deterioration. We knew what it was and how it would end for eleven of those fifteen years. We built our lives around keeping him active and talking often about how we felt about where we were in the process of letting go. We both worked a portion of that time, lived among the people we loved and took care of each other. Communication each day was primary. We worked through many issues.
I never thought of the phrase anticipatory grief, but it describes my experience (our experience). Yes, it made it less stressful to accept the finality of life ending and there is gratitude in my heart for that.
Thank you for sharing your story of the love and loss of your husband here. It very much sounds like that time, as hard as it was, helped you to prepare. I'm also in the midst of writing a future post on caregiving, which I'm guessing you will relate to and how that can impact our grief. I am glad for the gratitude in your heart this time gave you and that for you anticipatory grief had some blessings attached to it.
I had anticipatory grief with both parents. I found it to be a time of richness and meaningfulness as we spoke about so many things. And those moments then carried me at and after their deaths. Still miss them…
Rachel, thank you for sharing about the time you had with your parents. It sounds like it was a profound opportunity to connect deeply with them. An example of how this can sometimes be a gift.
I appreciate you so much Christine: your ability to articulate experiences and express feelings like this.
'Sometimes anticipating the loss or change might feel worse than the thing itself. For instance, many grievers dread holidays, birthdays and the anniversary of the death of their loved one. And for some, the anxiety leading up to the date on the calendar proves more difficult than the actual day.' AND 'the emotional yo-yoing that anticipatory grief can bring'
Also, if I may add a few experiences that may resonate:
- the doubling up of 'holding vigil-ant' of someone else's grief as a caregiver, in addition to your own.
- The Burden and blessing of celebrating / marking occasions in LONG palliative/end of life caregiving.
- AND of course, trying to forgive ourselves for RAGING at the person dying, for dying but also for all the complexities, caring anguish that happens as part of their life-force and character ebbing away.
Victoria - thank you for sharing your experiences here. I keep meaning to write a post on caregiving and how rewarding but also terribly draining that can be. I think we don't talk about the rage and anguish enough and then people feel guilty about that very normal reaction. I am grateful for all the work you are doing to help carers - including your recent stacks!
Thank you, dear Christine. I know you empathise and understand and I appreciate your work/essays! Everyday when I read posts on forums I'm struck by how hard it is for caregivers to give themselves grace and forgiveness - LOVE is such an impossible standard where guilt, rage and anguish reside. Forgiveness seems like a distant dream or mirage, or for some, not conceivable when the demands of the 'system' are a constant drain. Sharing your experiences will give caregivers some light, empathy and understanding. thanks!
Amen!
(I'm also going on a new caregiving podcast this week. Would you be open to me sharing your substack and info with the host?)
Please do, Christine, thank you—my hope is always that the Carer Mentor resources can be of service to others. After all, a BIG part of the stack is simply signposting to the work of others and creating a dynamic hub where everyone can connect with others. The iCARE stack is the main map-system for the overarching website: https://www.carermentor.com/s/icare-stack, Who started Carer Mentor & why is on the front homepage.
Care-giving/receiving needs to be at the heart of every community.xoxo
Dear Christine, I lived this kind of awful grief for years, watching my dear mom wrestle with endless pain with rarely a complaint. I can't help but believe it was just as excruciating for me as it was for her. I was so exhausted yet relieved when the Lord finally took her home. Most of my evening prayers the last few years start with deepest thanksgiving that she is now in heaven, free from pain, with the One she loved most of all.
Linda, thank you for sharing your precious experience here with your mother. It is so common when there is relief after death. Many of the families I sit with are shocked when that comes up for them, and then feel guilty for it. And what a lovely evening prayer ritual you have. Blessings as you continue to honor her memory.
A beautiful and insightful piece, Christine! My dad died from a terminal illness, so everything you said about anticipatory grief rang so true for me. The downside is we have to live with the knowledge that loss is inevitable. It’s like having a dark cloud looming over your head constantly. The silver lining is time. Being forced to face life’s impermanence makes you appreciate the importance of living with intention and making the most of the time we are given. In our case, knowing Dad didn’t have long before he’d be paralysed, and eventually gone, meant we could plan ahead - we went travelling together while he could still walk, and my husband and I moved up our timeline to start a family so Dad could see a grandchild. It gave us a chance to tell him and show him how much we love him and how much he means to us. But behind each of these moments was the acute awareness that our time with him was limited. As you so rightly said, anticipatory grief can be both a blessing and a curse. How we choose to look at it matters. Thank you for this!
Thank you Ruthie for sharing more about your dad here (and in your post recent post about him, which was a lovely introduction to who he was). The image you describe with the dark cloud and silver lining is perfect for anticipatory grief. And the ways in which you re-organized your priorities to make the most of your time with him is so heartwarming.
I love that poem at the end, Christine. I'm curious to know if you were inspired to write it with this post or in some other poignant moment?
Oh thanks Beth Anne. I'm touched that you even called it a poem - as it is new for me to write like that! I wrote it specifically for this piece, while I was at a writing retreat recently (I was also surrounded by the changing and falling of the autumn leaves, which seemed appropriate for anticipatory grief and why I featured them in this post).
That's wonderful, Christine. I love that you were inspired at a writing retreat. Playing with new creativities 💜
I talk about so much of this with my clients, was nice to read it all in one spot, thank you!
Isn't it amazing how grief is everywhere? Glad it is a helpful resource for you.
I really needed to read this, Christine. Honestly, I didn't really notice or pay attention to seeing anticipatory grief but it definitely exists. It's funny because I've been thinking about the cruel things in life and one of the cruelest is the lifespan of a dog. My dog is fairly young, just six, but I've been thinking about his mortality as well as, the melting ice cube that is the reality of my life. Thank you for this, friend.
Thanks Steve. I was just commenting above, to my Spiritual Director, Karla, about how pet loss is underappreciated and I keep meaning to write about that. I have a friend who has said something similar to what you just mentioned - that he'll never get a dog again because it is just setting himself up for future heartache. Although I suppose that can be true for most connections we make in our short time on this planet.
Having a pet is definitely a lesson in consolation/desolation. What a great reflection that would be to write about 😉
Oooh, let's both write one up!
That's a great idea! If you hadn't suggested it, I was going to😉. Let me know when and we can do a cross publish💪
That was so helpful, and I especially appreciate the blessing at the end. Thank you, Christine.
Thanks Maia! I was unsure if the blessing worked (writing those always feels vulnerable to me) but wanted to offer something tangible so I'm relieved it resonated!
This is such a meaningful distinction, thinking about the grief we experience in the anticipating. Such a complicated work but giving language to it can be so healing.
Thanks Emily. You are right about the language for it being healing.-I find that there is power in the naming of the experience as such, as it normalizes it and helps us to wrap our minds around it.
Thanks, Christine! This was a wonderful piece
Thanks for reading friend!
An excellent article. I have experienced both sudden and anticipatory grief, and would trade sudden for anticipatory every time. However, I have not experienced long years of anticipatory grief which must bring its own pain to the situation.
I found you comment about eco grief thought-provoking. I am perhaps a head in the sand person concerning climate change. You've opened my mind to thinking through how other positions cause people to grieve. Food for thought.
Sharon, thanks so much for reading and sharing your experiences here. I agree, that anticipatory grief is generally much better than sudden loss, but every situation can be unique.
And thanks for commenting about the eco-grief. It's a concept that I am newer to as well, but having read an article about chaplains attending to it, I know there's more there to unpack. I have had people around me who have pulled my head out of the sand, but am still bewildered by it and overwhelmed, like so many of us.
What an important post this is.
Thanks Jenn! I think as Spiritual Directors, it is something we could spend some time looking at more and developing rituals around.
Yes, absolutely.
Interesting that you applied anticipatory grief to the election!! I’ve been writing spiritual practices to help people stay grounded instead of anxious and fearful this election season. But I hadn’t thought about the coming changes, whatever they may be, as a reason to grieve. Especially not with anticipatory grief!
Oh your substack sounds perfect. I just subscribed and also sent it to one of my directees to read, as it was related to our session this week.
I think the anxiety of anticipatory grief is so palpable right now, a change is definitely coming and not knowing what it will be or look like certainly has everyone on edge.
Thanks so much for subscribing!! I read today that 60% of American adults are having adverse mental health symptoms because of the election. And not everyone has the emotional intelligence to know how to manage all these emotions. I expect that these unmanaged emotions will be squeezing out sideways in the next few weeks!
Oh, anticipatory grief is just so hard! I remember especially feeling it for our beloved cat, Pablo. He got diabetes in the last year of his life and we knew he could go any day. And he lived a whole year longer! I woke up every day so glad that he was with us, but there was always this little worry in the back of my mind . . . .we treasured the time we had with him. And when he finally went over the rainbow bridge, we were released to move to France!
Thank you for sharing here about Pablo and the ways in which you were able to cherish the last year of his life. The worry is one of the burdens of this anticipation. I keep meaning to write a post about how pet loss is so under acknowledged in our society but it is such a significant loss that I don't think we talk about enough.
so some you rwmeally wanr to talk of grief? i
avoid such whining...
no'body' can elevate
any grief to consume?
who really want's to w[h]in[e]? i like turtles