This is so, so good, and on such an important topic. I also found myself feeling curious about how you simply leave a room, in your line of work as a chaplain, to go to the next. What do you say to bring closure to the interaction, especially if it’s been a difficult one and folks are still feeling activated, or your client is in a not-easily-resolvable place with a problem, or they have known abandonment issues as you mentioned, or you simply need to go home or get a sandwich? What are the words you say when *you* know you have to go, even if they’d rather you stay?
Thanks Ryan! And leaving a room as a chaplain can be quite difficult - it's something my chaplain students struggle with early on, as did I when I was starting out. Before I developed my intentionality around goodbyes, I'd arrange for my fellow interns to page me so that I'd have an excuse to leave quickly!
What I do now and teach my students is to honor the end of a visit. Very rarely is a situation able to be "wrapped up nicely with a bow." Often the suffering is still palpable and we can have feelings of helplessness that we didn't do enough. The circumstances are different, but I typically thank the patient/family for allowing me to get to know them. I might tell them that I will be continuing to pray for them or think about them. If I know that there is an acute need for follow up, I'll arrange for that or encourage them to reach out to the Spiritual Care department (if they are sill inpatient) or resources within their community (if getting discharged or the patient has died and I'm with family). Also with chaplain students, we look at which patients are the hardest ones for them to leave, as that is usually an indication that there is something else in the chaplain's life at play for them, so in supervision, we explore that together.
Thanks for sharing my work Blanca. I think many of us are a few different, sometimes overlapping types. And other times the type might depend on the context.
This is a thought provoking post! As a therapist, I work a lot with grief, but this has me thinking about how hard it is to allow ourselves to feel grief and without facing our own grief, how can we truly have empathy and compassion for another’s? There is much to ponder here. Thank you.
Thanks Holly! I am curious for you as a therapist how you use some of these skills in terminations with clients or how clients may have left you without goodbyes too. (When I did my MSW training, I wish we would have spent more time looking at those dynamics)
The “professional” training I received was more about documentation to cover your liability than it was about the benefits for a client to model healthy goodbyes. I have learned over the past three decades more about the importance that the therapeutic relationship plays in helping clients change their relationship blueprints and strive to offer healthier goodbye sessions when I know they are happening. But, as you said, many people just ghost without an explanation. Maybe because humans dislike pain and see a goodbye as painful? Or maybe they are just busy and counseling is another task on the list of many competing for their attention. Who knows.
"Abandonment issues run deep, not just for those who have had severe trauma. What we can do is respond empathetically, listen where appropriate and tend to others’ hearts that are breaking because old wounds or new fears are surfacing. These reactions aren’t always about us, but they are real and worthy of compassion. Recognizing that helps us respond, not retreat, and leads to more meaningful farewells."
This part deserves more.
In the “let it go” era, abandonment, whether by mere immaturity, avoidanceism for convenience, or simple malice, is the cause of so much suffering and severe trauma or retrauma that it becomes difficult to tie it to a simple “ending”. The issue seems to be our bread and butter on all platforms. But in these cases there is no “ leaving ”, neither for one nor the other, not in the short term, not through rituals, letters, meditations, or even therapy. That is why I think it should have been addressed in another type of article.
You're right - I found that in many of these sections I wanted to write a lot more, but this was already the longest substack article I've posted to date. This is some helpful feedback for future articles!
This is such a great post, Christine. I've been in kind of a funk for the last month or so. With all my spiritual direction training, all the contemplative exercises I practice nearly daily, it took me weeks for me to come to answer for my angst. I have four, very close friends that I met through running who are all moving away in the next month or so. While my mind was able to reason through the inevitable separation I was going to feel, my body told me otherwise. It all came down to one thing: presence. I am going to feel the loss of their presence in my life. My body is telling me I don't know how to say goodbye. Thank you for this, friend.
Steve, based on all you have been through recently, I am not surprised you've been in a funk! (frankly, I am in awe of your resilience) Blessings to you as you tend to the grief of losing these precious friends. Your body holds much wisdom and strength and my guess is that engaging with physicality will be an important part of your goodbye process.
Oh this came at the right time for me! I will be concluding my chaplain fellowship program in August at the hospital where I’ve been since a resident 4 years ago. I thought I’d be here forever, or at least much longer. And this year, so much of that has changed. I’ve been wondering how *do* I say goodbye? This piece has given me much to consider, and makes me feel even a little less fearful and less alone for having to say goodbyes here soon. Thank you.
Alyssa, I'm so glad this was timed well for you! I actually wrote it based on the termination didactic I give at the end of my CPE units. Blessings on you as you ponder how to say goodbye and move on to something new (and when you're ready to share, I'm curious what that is for you).
Gosh, I really love learning about these Good-bye styles. And how I avoid them. This is a new venue of discovery for me to be curious about my own discomfort and nervous system dysregulation that comes with goodbyes. Thank you for uncovering this for me, Christine!
It was fun coming up with goodbye styles - I had to cut myself off, as I had many more listed (I even thought about doing a Goodbye style quiz, but I couldn't quite figure out how to make that work with substack). And I love that you brought up the nervous system dysregulation piece that comes with goodbyes. I hadn't considered that but it makes perfect sense and I'd be curious on your thoughts about it.
I've had to say a lot of goodbyes now that I've reached retirement age. I've been lucky to have had a few good models. One, surprisingly, was my dentist, who, after decades of reliable work, suddenly said he was closing his practice. Yet he took the time to find another practice that he held in high regard and referred his clients there. It was only later that he told me that he had been diagnosed with brain cancer and wanted to let me know in person. He passed away about a year later. I was grateful for his professionalism and his friendship.
Oh thank you for sharing that story of your dentist who was tender in his leaving even amidst his own terminal diagnosis. Having good models certainly gives us something to aspire to. I'd also be curious about your termination practices around your own work with clients. That was something that I don't think was covered as well as it could have been when I trained as a therapist.
Good point. I learned to say a good goodbye in my own therapy, which I think every committed therapist should do as part of their personal and professional development.
Christine, I've always found good-byes difficult. Sometimes almost traumatic. You've given us such rich food for thought, as always. I'll be coming back to sit with this beautiful piece of writing again and again. There's much I need to understand about myself, yes, even at this later stage of life.
Thanks Linda, you are in good company for finding goodbyes difficult. And I'll have to think more about the traumatic piece, because I agree, they can definitely go that way as well.
I really appreciated this post. I was especially struck by what you say about how others' response to our leave-taking often suggests something deeper about what they're feeling and thinking.
Thanks Jeannine. It took me a while to come to the conclusion that others' responses aren't always about us, but what's going on for them. I think in some ways it helps to not take it personally, but still worth tending to their grief.
Tami, thank you for your good and hard work as a hospice chaplain. You are an expert in this as you live in the space of goodbyes. Blessings to you on your continued ministry.
I needed this article. My goodbye style is one of two extremes. One is I rip the band-aid off and get out. Sometimes, I do not worry about the damage I leave behind. The other is I can't find the ending as I say goodbye. When I think we're all talked out, I bring up another memory to share, and we spend another 30 minutes trying to say goodbye. I need to find the sweet spot between letting go too quickly and not letting go quickly enough.
It is so hard to strike the balance of extremes of a goodbye style. One piece that could be helpful is to name what you're doing in the moment. Or to tell other people that you have a propensity toward either style and they can help hold you accountable to it. Also, contexts are so different for all the various things we are leaving, so it's not surprising to have conflicting styles in different settings.
You are right, I didn't get into that aspect. This post was getting quite long (I think it's the longest I've ever written) but perhaps a follow up post on how to cope with being left is in order. I'd love to hear your thoughts on it!
Susan, I'm so glad this connected with you! I often think that, as solid as our seminary education was, we could have been prepared better for how to leave well.
This is so, so good, and on such an important topic. I also found myself feeling curious about how you simply leave a room, in your line of work as a chaplain, to go to the next. What do you say to bring closure to the interaction, especially if it’s been a difficult one and folks are still feeling activated, or your client is in a not-easily-resolvable place with a problem, or they have known abandonment issues as you mentioned, or you simply need to go home or get a sandwich? What are the words you say when *you* know you have to go, even if they’d rather you stay?
Thanks Ryan! And leaving a room as a chaplain can be quite difficult - it's something my chaplain students struggle with early on, as did I when I was starting out. Before I developed my intentionality around goodbyes, I'd arrange for my fellow interns to page me so that I'd have an excuse to leave quickly!
What I do now and teach my students is to honor the end of a visit. Very rarely is a situation able to be "wrapped up nicely with a bow." Often the suffering is still palpable and we can have feelings of helplessness that we didn't do enough. The circumstances are different, but I typically thank the patient/family for allowing me to get to know them. I might tell them that I will be continuing to pray for them or think about them. If I know that there is an acute need for follow up, I'll arrange for that or encourage them to reach out to the Spiritual Care department (if they are sill inpatient) or resources within their community (if getting discharged or the patient has died and I'm with family). Also with chaplain students, we look at which patients are the hardest ones for them to leave, as that is usually an indication that there is something else in the chaplain's life at play for them, so in supervision, we explore that together.
Good question!
What a great post - thank you! I never thought of goodbye styles. I'm a combination of to-the point, write notes and over explain.
Thanks for sharing my work Blanca. I think many of us are a few different, sometimes overlapping types. And other times the type might depend on the context.
This is a thought provoking post! As a therapist, I work a lot with grief, but this has me thinking about how hard it is to allow ourselves to feel grief and without facing our own grief, how can we truly have empathy and compassion for another’s? There is much to ponder here. Thank you.
Thanks Holly! I am curious for you as a therapist how you use some of these skills in terminations with clients or how clients may have left you without goodbyes too. (When I did my MSW training, I wish we would have spent more time looking at those dynamics)
Looking forward to reading your work!
The “professional” training I received was more about documentation to cover your liability than it was about the benefits for a client to model healthy goodbyes. I have learned over the past three decades more about the importance that the therapeutic relationship plays in helping clients change their relationship blueprints and strive to offer healthier goodbye sessions when I know they are happening. But, as you said, many people just ghost without an explanation. Maybe because humans dislike pain and see a goodbye as painful? Or maybe they are just busy and counseling is another task on the list of many competing for their attention. Who knows.
Amen to the experiential learning! And I think you're right, it's their discomfort and I bet there's some guilt/shame mixed in. So much to chew on!
"Abandonment issues run deep, not just for those who have had severe trauma. What we can do is respond empathetically, listen where appropriate and tend to others’ hearts that are breaking because old wounds or new fears are surfacing. These reactions aren’t always about us, but they are real and worthy of compassion. Recognizing that helps us respond, not retreat, and leads to more meaningful farewells."
This part deserves more.
In the “let it go” era, abandonment, whether by mere immaturity, avoidanceism for convenience, or simple malice, is the cause of so much suffering and severe trauma or retrauma that it becomes difficult to tie it to a simple “ending”. The issue seems to be our bread and butter on all platforms. But in these cases there is no “ leaving ”, neither for one nor the other, not in the short term, not through rituals, letters, meditations, or even therapy. That is why I think it should have been addressed in another type of article.
You're right - I found that in many of these sections I wanted to write a lot more, but this was already the longest substack article I've posted to date. This is some helpful feedback for future articles!
This is such a great post, Christine. I've been in kind of a funk for the last month or so. With all my spiritual direction training, all the contemplative exercises I practice nearly daily, it took me weeks for me to come to answer for my angst. I have four, very close friends that I met through running who are all moving away in the next month or so. While my mind was able to reason through the inevitable separation I was going to feel, my body told me otherwise. It all came down to one thing: presence. I am going to feel the loss of their presence in my life. My body is telling me I don't know how to say goodbye. Thank you for this, friend.
Steve, based on all you have been through recently, I am not surprised you've been in a funk! (frankly, I am in awe of your resilience) Blessings to you as you tend to the grief of losing these precious friends. Your body holds much wisdom and strength and my guess is that engaging with physicality will be an important part of your goodbye process.
Oh this came at the right time for me! I will be concluding my chaplain fellowship program in August at the hospital where I’ve been since a resident 4 years ago. I thought I’d be here forever, or at least much longer. And this year, so much of that has changed. I’ve been wondering how *do* I say goodbye? This piece has given me much to consider, and makes me feel even a little less fearful and less alone for having to say goodbyes here soon. Thank you.
Alyssa, I'm so glad this was timed well for you! I actually wrote it based on the termination didactic I give at the end of my CPE units. Blessings on you as you ponder how to say goodbye and move on to something new (and when you're ready to share, I'm curious what that is for you).
Yes! When the next step becomes more clear to me, I will love to share ☺️ I thought CEC would be next, but it seems just not yet. Stay tuned!
Can't wait to hear! And if you ever have questions about CEC work, I used to be in charge of that Commission until Jan of this year.
Gosh, I really love learning about these Good-bye styles. And how I avoid them. This is a new venue of discovery for me to be curious about my own discomfort and nervous system dysregulation that comes with goodbyes. Thank you for uncovering this for me, Christine!
It was fun coming up with goodbye styles - I had to cut myself off, as I had many more listed (I even thought about doing a Goodbye style quiz, but I couldn't quite figure out how to make that work with substack). And I love that you brought up the nervous system dysregulation piece that comes with goodbyes. I hadn't considered that but it makes perfect sense and I'd be curious on your thoughts about it.
I've had to say a lot of goodbyes now that I've reached retirement age. I've been lucky to have had a few good models. One, surprisingly, was my dentist, who, after decades of reliable work, suddenly said he was closing his practice. Yet he took the time to find another practice that he held in high regard and referred his clients there. It was only later that he told me that he had been diagnosed with brain cancer and wanted to let me know in person. He passed away about a year later. I was grateful for his professionalism and his friendship.
Oh thank you for sharing that story of your dentist who was tender in his leaving even amidst his own terminal diagnosis. Having good models certainly gives us something to aspire to. I'd also be curious about your termination practices around your own work with clients. That was something that I don't think was covered as well as it could have been when I trained as a therapist.
Good point. I learned to say a good goodbye in my own therapy, which I think every committed therapist should do as part of their personal and professional development.
Christine, I've always found good-byes difficult. Sometimes almost traumatic. You've given us such rich food for thought, as always. I'll be coming back to sit with this beautiful piece of writing again and again. There's much I need to understand about myself, yes, even at this later stage of life.
Thank you, friend.
Thanks Linda, you are in good company for finding goodbyes difficult. And I'll have to think more about the traumatic piece, because I agree, they can definitely go that way as well.
I really appreciated this post. I was especially struck by what you say about how others' response to our leave-taking often suggests something deeper about what they're feeling and thinking.
Thanks Jeannine. It took me a while to come to the conclusion that others' responses aren't always about us, but what's going on for them. I think in some ways it helps to not take it personally, but still worth tending to their grief.
Thank you for this thoughtful post. I am a hospice chaplain and so I am saying “goodbye” all the time. This is a reminder to do it well. Peace to you.
Tami, thank you for your good and hard work as a hospice chaplain. You are an expert in this as you live in the space of goodbyes. Blessings to you on your continued ministry.
I needed this article. My goodbye style is one of two extremes. One is I rip the band-aid off and get out. Sometimes, I do not worry about the damage I leave behind. The other is I can't find the ending as I say goodbye. When I think we're all talked out, I bring up another memory to share, and we spend another 30 minutes trying to say goodbye. I need to find the sweet spot between letting go too quickly and not letting go quickly enough.
It is so hard to strike the balance of extremes of a goodbye style. One piece that could be helpful is to name what you're doing in the moment. Or to tell other people that you have a propensity toward either style and they can help hold you accountable to it. Also, contexts are so different for all the various things we are leaving, so it's not surprising to have conflicting styles in different settings.
I needed this.
Oh I'm so glad. Sometimes I go on these diatribes hoping they will help someone, so it brings me much joy to know that it met you today.
A very thoughtful piece, but this was more aimed at the one who is leaving. Not the one who is being left behind.
You are right, I didn't get into that aspect. This post was getting quite long (I think it's the longest I've ever written) but perhaps a follow up post on how to cope with being left is in order. I'd love to hear your thoughts on it!
Thank you for writing this post! It resonates with me on multiple levels.
Susan, I'm so glad this connected with you! I often think that, as solid as our seminary education was, we could have been prepared better for how to leave well.