This is so intimate and poignant, Christine. I’ve read and listened to you read and it humbles me every time. I’ve sat with women who have suffered miscarriages and I am completely helpless to say anything of worth so I’ve learned to just be present, fully present to their grief, their sorrow, their anger and frustration. I love the prayer you shared and I hope you can find joy this Mother’s Day. Thank you again for this beautiful piece.
Thanks Steve. Your presence with women going through this sounds very powerful, as sometimes words can make it worse, as we know. I am in the midst of writing another post about what not to say as well as not underestimating the power of silence!
Scones for a mother gone now 50 years…tulips for my beloved with whom I would have celebrated 17 years yesterday…compassion for my body lost to innocence as a boy…a recognition that courage is more ordinary than extraordinary in how many folk carry loss with grace as you yourself have done…Thanksgiving for friends who sit near and hold me when nothing else will do.
John, these are beautiful words of honor and rememberance for mother's day (and your anniversary) that holds so much loss. Thank you for sharing therem here with all of us.
thank you for this valuable reminder. the intertwining of your personal story with the reality of these losses on a societal scale (and of course, partners often experience the loss too!)
i appreciate learning from a friend of mine from her podcast (Coffee, Grief and Gratitude) instead of asking "tell me how many children you have?" when you meet someone try, "what would you like me to know about your family?" or something more open ended. we never know when someone has had miscarriages, stillbirths, offered a child up for adoption, has a child in prison (just listened to a podcast on that) etc. it allows them the choice to share as much as they want.
That is such an important reminder when encountering new people and not yet knowing their suffering and their story. It is an excellent refraiming of that question. I have sometimes asked "who is important to you in your life" but I like the one you pose more. I will suggest it to my interns and know others reading the comments will benefit too.
And now I'm adding that podcast to my list to listen to (because you can never have too many!)
As always, I so appreciate your honesty and intimacy in your posts, dear Christine. Although I do not have children, I certainly have experienced grief and loss.
I never knew about intrapsychic loss and this really got my attention. It is helpful for me in my own life and those I love, in addition to the people I sit with in spiritual direction. I'm imagining that this is the kind of loss that is not so obvious and often invisible, and wrapped up in many different parts of our identity.
"The experience of losing an emotionally important image of oneself, losing the possibilities of ‘what might have been,’ abandonment of plans for a particular future, the dying of a dream. Although often related to external experiences, it is itself an entirely inward experience."
I think instrapsychic loss has such a deep spiritual component to it as well, as it can lead people to questioning God's role/presence in their lives. It can certainly lead to spiritual distress or vice versa.
Your directees are so lucky to have you sit in that space with them, especially as those losses go unnamed and undecteded even by the person going through them, but having a major impact on their spirit.
I am deeply saddened by all the losses. However, these losses clearly have been transformed into sacred wounds that continuously empower you to give back to so many. Thank you for your ministry!
Thanks Mary Beth. I was going to tell a story of perinatal loss in the hospital, as you and I have seen many of those, but it occured to me, perhaps I should share my own story of it for a change. Sacred wounds for sure!
This resonates with me!! I too suffered a miscarriage in my first pregnancy. I called him my peanut because he never grew larger than a peanut on the ultrasound. I hated the ultrasound technician for her indifference and silence. Three of my friends were pregnant at the same time and, after I lost the baby, they avoided me for weeks as though miscarriage was contagious. With my second, I had a Subchorionic hemorrhage and bled until my 7th month. Every trip to the bathroom carried the fear of another loss! I’ll be thinking of all of those lost “peanuts” this Sunday.
Oh Tina, thank you for sharing about your "Peanut" here. It sounds like a doubly hard experience with friends abandoning you because of their own fears. Sadly, that seems way too common, as people don't know what to say, so not only do they say nothing, they don't reach out either. That is why I think it's all the more crucial that we tell these stories, so people know they are not the only ones.
This is so intimate and poignant, Christine. I’ve read and listened to you read and it humbles me every time. I’ve sat with women who have suffered miscarriages and I am completely helpless to say anything of worth so I’ve learned to just be present, fully present to their grief, their sorrow, their anger and frustration. I love the prayer you shared and I hope you can find joy this Mother’s Day. Thank you again for this beautiful piece.
Thanks Steve. Your presence with women going through this sounds very powerful, as sometimes words can make it worse, as we know. I am in the midst of writing another post about what not to say as well as not underestimating the power of silence!
Oh excellent. I appreciate your heart Christine as you always come from a very loving place. Thank you and I can't wait to read more!
Thank you Christine for this vitally important piece❤
Thanks for reading and sharing!
CVD- Thank you for being so vulnerable with us in this space, and for using your lived experience to educate/encourage us here.
My favorite pastry is an almond croissant!
Wishing you a peaceful upcoming Mother's Day ahead. <3
Almond Croissants are my favorite too! I hope you have a lovely mother's day as well!
So beautifully written and helpful.
Thanks Lindsey!
Scones for a mother gone now 50 years…tulips for my beloved with whom I would have celebrated 17 years yesterday…compassion for my body lost to innocence as a boy…a recognition that courage is more ordinary than extraordinary in how many folk carry loss with grace as you yourself have done…Thanksgiving for friends who sit near and hold me when nothing else will do.
John, these are beautiful words of honor and rememberance for mother's day (and your anniversary) that holds so much loss. Thank you for sharing therem here with all of us.
Thank you for sharing your story!
My hope is that it might help others for whom this will be a hard day!
thank you for this valuable reminder. the intertwining of your personal story with the reality of these losses on a societal scale (and of course, partners often experience the loss too!)
i appreciate learning from a friend of mine from her podcast (Coffee, Grief and Gratitude) instead of asking "tell me how many children you have?" when you meet someone try, "what would you like me to know about your family?" or something more open ended. we never know when someone has had miscarriages, stillbirths, offered a child up for adoption, has a child in prison (just listened to a podcast on that) etc. it allows them the choice to share as much as they want.
That is such an important reminder when encountering new people and not yet knowing their suffering and their story. It is an excellent refraiming of that question. I have sometimes asked "who is important to you in your life" but I like the one you pose more. I will suggest it to my interns and know others reading the comments will benefit too.
And now I'm adding that podcast to my list to listen to (because you can never have too many!)
It is wonderful! And your question is a non-judgmental one too. ✨
If only I was always that wise, but CPE opened my eyes to many things!
As always, I so appreciate your honesty and intimacy in your posts, dear Christine. Although I do not have children, I certainly have experienced grief and loss.
I never knew about intrapsychic loss and this really got my attention. It is helpful for me in my own life and those I love, in addition to the people I sit with in spiritual direction. I'm imagining that this is the kind of loss that is not so obvious and often invisible, and wrapped up in many different parts of our identity.
"The experience of losing an emotionally important image of oneself, losing the possibilities of ‘what might have been,’ abandonment of plans for a particular future, the dying of a dream. Although often related to external experiences, it is itself an entirely inward experience."
I think instrapsychic loss has such a deep spiritual component to it as well, as it can lead people to questioning God's role/presence in their lives. It can certainly lead to spiritual distress or vice versa.
Your directees are so lucky to have you sit in that space with them, especially as those losses go unnamed and undecteded even by the person going through them, but having a major impact on their spirit.
Absolutely beautiful, Christine.
I am deeply saddened by all the losses. However, these losses clearly have been transformed into sacred wounds that continuously empower you to give back to so many. Thank you for your ministry!
Thanks Mary Beth. I was going to tell a story of perinatal loss in the hospital, as you and I have seen many of those, but it occured to me, perhaps I should share my own story of it for a change. Sacred wounds for sure!
This resonates with me!! I too suffered a miscarriage in my first pregnancy. I called him my peanut because he never grew larger than a peanut on the ultrasound. I hated the ultrasound technician for her indifference and silence. Three of my friends were pregnant at the same time and, after I lost the baby, they avoided me for weeks as though miscarriage was contagious. With my second, I had a Subchorionic hemorrhage and bled until my 7th month. Every trip to the bathroom carried the fear of another loss! I’ll be thinking of all of those lost “peanuts” this Sunday.
Oh Tina, thank you for sharing about your "Peanut" here. It sounds like a doubly hard experience with friends abandoning you because of their own fears. Sadly, that seems way too common, as people don't know what to say, so not only do they say nothing, they don't reach out either. That is why I think it's all the more crucial that we tell these stories, so people know they are not the only ones.