This is vital information Christine, thank you. I would find it tricky to be a chaplain so I take my hat off to you for doing this difficult work. I would find it especially difficult not to speak up if someone asked what I would do because I have strong opinions about being kept alive without any quality of life. I am very fortunate that my parents were vocal about their wishes.
It sounds like your parents gave you a gift in that knowledge. And yes, it is sometimes very tough to keep quiet about my own opinions! That might be partly why I started writing, so I could share my thoughts with you all!
Donna- that was so perfectly stated and I admire your tenacity. As a recovering people pleaser I don’t share my strong opinions out loud… but I’ve learned that holding it in does just as much damage to my family.
CVD- thank you so much for writing about advanced directives. I agree with Donna that your work must bring a heaviness and challenge, but I feel there is likely an equal serving of purpose and passion to hold space for others in a way that only you could.
I used to work in Senior Care, as a consultant. It was some of the hardest work I’ve ever done and I always appreciated when families had their PoA’s selected and ADs filled out so that when the time inevitably came, there was no additional stress of figuring out what to do. It was my biggest take away from that job. Put my wishes in writing. Thank you for this reminder and gentle but brilliant encouragement with your letter today. 🕊️
I hear you K! It's a fine edge between speaking up for my own well-being and telling others what I think they should do. Of course, it's especially hard when I feel very strongly about something, so I continue to practice!
Absolutely. There are moments when you can imagine what life is like for families when they're out of the hospital and what their home life is like, wishing you could have facilitated a conversation when things were "normal"
As a physician, I also understand how important non-physicians are too, like hospital chaplains :)
Excellent piece, Christine! Yes. Life moves fast, and the need to make big decisions can seemingly emerge out of nowhere. After this past year of major life happenings, I've realized that making big decisions ahead of time -- particularly in the end-of-life arena -- is one of the most valuable and generous gifts to give one's family. (Although what I'm going to add here is not as critical, I'd also suggest that everyone should let their people know what to do with their stuff!)
I'm mindful of how you have been steeped in the importance of this in your own life and all that it brings with it. That is so true about belongings and estate as well, I don't often consider that part of the process. Do you have any reccomendations for resources/ideas how best to do that?
Where to begin? One recommendation is for people to start downsizing long before they think you need to. I spent months going through stuff in my parents' house that I know didn't mean that much to them, but important and special items were buried in and among those items. I wish I had known which, say, 10 things my mom really wanted us to keep as heirlooms/family legacies/keepsakes and what the stories were behind those items. Less would have been more. More manageable, more meaningful ...
That is such helpful advice! Did you ever read the Gentle Art of Swedish Death Cleaning? I haven't gotten around to that one yet, but have wondered about it. You could probably write your own book on it at this point (or a series of substack posts!)
Hah! I actually referenced this book in the eulogy for my mom, even before I read it. And I did read it afterward. It's lovely and inspiring ... I should probably read it again, as I'm sitting here four months post-moving and still living among hastily packed boxes!
I will add it to by TBR list. What is it they say about the boxes that aren't unpacked 6 months after a move? That you can donate those since you don't need them? Although so hard to put into practice!
well said Christine. vital information!! thank you for all you offer.
i often share The Death Deck (easy to find on the internet) with my friends as a way to start the conversation. i am also very fun at parties...i never seem to fail to bring up grief, death and dying and tell folks the kindest offering they can give their loved ones now is advance care planning!
How have I not heard of the Death Deck yet? !That sounds right up my alley! Glad you are also sharing the need for these conversations - even at parties!
Thanks Todd! I think it's so important for congregants to hear their pastors talk about this! Last year at my church we did a End of Life/Advance Care Planning Sunday School series where I spoke about health care, someone spoke about finances and the pastor talked about funeral planning. Attendance wasn't huge, but I think it was helpful for those who came.
What good work you do in the world. These practical things are so important and none of us really wants to do it. But my husband and I did finally hire a lawyer and made a proper will, including advance directives and then more detail in a living will. Now we are moving to France!
Yes! yes! yes! yes! 💯 I didn’t know about April 16! Going to share this type of info again. I recall witnessing these types of exchanges in my spiritual care lay ministry. It’s heartbreaking.
I had only heard about April 16 a few years ago - we need to make it more widespread! Thank you for your important ministry and holding the heartbreak.
This is vital information Christine, thank you. I would find it tricky to be a chaplain so I take my hat off to you for doing this difficult work. I would find it especially difficult not to speak up if someone asked what I would do because I have strong opinions about being kept alive without any quality of life. I am very fortunate that my parents were vocal about their wishes.
It sounds like your parents gave you a gift in that knowledge. And yes, it is sometimes very tough to keep quiet about my own opinions! That might be partly why I started writing, so I could share my thoughts with you all!
Donna- that was so perfectly stated and I admire your tenacity. As a recovering people pleaser I don’t share my strong opinions out loud… but I’ve learned that holding it in does just as much damage to my family.
CVD- thank you so much for writing about advanced directives. I agree with Donna that your work must bring a heaviness and challenge, but I feel there is likely an equal serving of purpose and passion to hold space for others in a way that only you could.
I used to work in Senior Care, as a consultant. It was some of the hardest work I’ve ever done and I always appreciated when families had their PoA’s selected and ADs filled out so that when the time inevitably came, there was no additional stress of figuring out what to do. It was my biggest take away from that job. Put my wishes in writing. Thank you for this reminder and gentle but brilliant encouragement with your letter today. 🕊️
Ah you've seen this first hand and know the additional suffering it can cause! Welcome to my soapbox!
I hear you K! It's a fine edge between speaking up for my own well-being and telling others what I think they should do. Of course, it's especially hard when I feel very strongly about something, so I continue to practice!
agreed. it should be a dinner time conversation, not when emotions run high in a healthcare setting. thanks for trying to normalize it.
Right? As a physician, I imagine you especially understand the importance of having these conversations pro-actively, not reactively.
Absolutely. There are moments when you can imagine what life is like for families when they're out of the hospital and what their home life is like, wishing you could have facilitated a conversation when things were "normal"
As a physician, I also understand how important non-physicians are too, like hospital chaplains :)
Oh thank you, I appreciate that. Feel free to tell some of your colleagues! 😂 Glad you found your way here, looking forward to reading your writing!
Thanks Christine! Looking forward to learning from you.
Excellent piece, Christine! Yes. Life moves fast, and the need to make big decisions can seemingly emerge out of nowhere. After this past year of major life happenings, I've realized that making big decisions ahead of time -- particularly in the end-of-life arena -- is one of the most valuable and generous gifts to give one's family. (Although what I'm going to add here is not as critical, I'd also suggest that everyone should let their people know what to do with their stuff!)
I'm mindful of how you have been steeped in the importance of this in your own life and all that it brings with it. That is so true about belongings and estate as well, I don't often consider that part of the process. Do you have any reccomendations for resources/ideas how best to do that?
Where to begin? One recommendation is for people to start downsizing long before they think you need to. I spent months going through stuff in my parents' house that I know didn't mean that much to them, but important and special items were buried in and among those items. I wish I had known which, say, 10 things my mom really wanted us to keep as heirlooms/family legacies/keepsakes and what the stories were behind those items. Less would have been more. More manageable, more meaningful ...
That is such helpful advice! Did you ever read the Gentle Art of Swedish Death Cleaning? I haven't gotten around to that one yet, but have wondered about it. You could probably write your own book on it at this point (or a series of substack posts!)
Hah! I actually referenced this book in the eulogy for my mom, even before I read it. And I did read it afterward. It's lovely and inspiring ... I should probably read it again, as I'm sitting here four months post-moving and still living among hastily packed boxes!
I will add it to by TBR list. What is it they say about the boxes that aren't unpacked 6 months after a move? That you can donate those since you don't need them? Although so hard to put into practice!
So I've got 2 months left to rescue some of my favorite things! Now there's a goal 😊
well said Christine. vital information!! thank you for all you offer.
i often share The Death Deck (easy to find on the internet) with my friends as a way to start the conversation. i am also very fun at parties...i never seem to fail to bring up grief, death and dying and tell folks the kindest offering they can give their loved ones now is advance care planning!
How have I not heard of the Death Deck yet? !That sounds right up my alley! Glad you are also sharing the need for these conversations - even at parties!
The organization is great and offer a lot of education! You can follow them in Instagram. They also have the EOL deck. ☺️
Thank you the rec! Just added it to my cart and am wondering if I can count it as a professional expense! 😆
I hope so! Sounds work related to me 😛.
And it’s wonderful when colleagues can help each other out. 🧡
We have a chaplain staff retreat coming up next month and this deck might make an appearance!
Absolutely essential. I will share with my congregation for tomorrow.
Thanks Todd! I think it's so important for congregants to hear their pastors talk about this! Last year at my church we did a End of Life/Advance Care Planning Sunday School series where I spoke about health care, someone spoke about finances and the pastor talked about funeral planning. Attendance wasn't huge, but I think it was helpful for those who came.
What good work you do in the world. These practical things are so important and none of us really wants to do it. But my husband and I did finally hire a lawyer and made a proper will, including advance directives and then more detail in a living will. Now we are moving to France!
Ooh, I don't even know what the French laws are around that! Glad you crossed that off your list amongst all the other planning you have these days.
Yes! yes! yes! yes! 💯 I didn’t know about April 16! Going to share this type of info again. I recall witnessing these types of exchanges in my spiritual care lay ministry. It’s heartbreaking.
I had only heard about April 16 a few years ago - we need to make it more widespread! Thank you for your important ministry and holding the heartbreak.